God is good... so good!

On the last weekend of June 2011, and on our first day of vacation, I realized we were losing our baby.  I had been up all night with cramps terrible cramps.  I didn't register it then, but it was a lot like the night I went into labor with Mylin.  I was 2 months pregnant with a baby we were absolutely ecstatic about and already in love with.  When I finally got out of bed that morning to use the restroom, I realized why I felt so terribly. Very calmly I woke Daniel and asked him to drive me to the ER, explaining we were losing the baby.  My voice was so calm that he wasn't even sure of exactly what I had said and didn't move.

When we finally arrived at the ER they did some blood work and had me go for an internal ultrasound.  Walking into the ultrasound room, the tech didn't see me with the Dr. and said jokingly "So where's my bleeder?"  I ignored her, but was shocked by her lack of empathy.   Once she began the ultrasound we saw my little Sprout.  His heart was still beating.... a very low heartrate... but still beating.  I believe it was 87 or something.  They took me back to my room and I waited over an hour for my lab results.  My HCG levels were low, but they couldn't confirm it was a miscarriage.  I was ordered to bedrest and told it was a "threatened miscarriage."  They gave me paper work on exactly what miscarriage or spontaneous abortion is, and told me they couldn't guarantee either way.  In the midst of being discharged I had an urge to rush the bathroom.  I knew after that incident  that I would lose the baby.

I did.  I lost the baby at a Casey's General Store somewhere between Galesburg and Macomb.  I saw Sprout. He was tinee tiny.  I lost it.  I hadn't cried that hard in a very very long time.  I tried to make light of the situation. I joked with Daniel and my brother that the clerk must have thought " Holy crap don't give that PMS crazy woman a gun." Since I had gone in, bought pads, went to the restroom, and left a tearful blubbering mess.  Daniel tried to hold it together for me.... but I saw the pain and sadness in his eyes.

The weeks that followed were rollercoasters.  One week I'd be fine. The next I'd find myself sad, jealous, or angry at the site of a pregnant woman.  I wanted that baby so bad.

People don't talk about miscarriages.  It's weird.  1/4 of reported pregnancies end up in miscarriage... which means that the actual amount is probably even higher.

It's a very real thing, painful both physically and emotionally.

Needless to say after that Daniel and I both wanted a baby so bad.

We were lucky and everything happened on it's own without medical assistance.  This meant my body would heal much faster and we could start trying as soon as my cycle returned.  Luckily for us this was only a month post-miscarriage.

I prayed; we prayed.  Our hearts were broken, and we wanted another child so badly.

Once we were free to become pregnant again, I tried my hardest not to get my hopes up.  I'd be lying, though, if I told you didn't start taking pregnancy tests the minute it's remotely possible for an early detection test to work properly.  That would be at 6 days pre-menstrual cycle (for you fancy pants) or 6 day pre-period, if you will.  I kept getting negatives, but questioned them.  I felt different... something was off.  I knew that at the ultrasound with Sprout they had told me I had a cyst on my ovary, but that after having the baby it would most likely go away.  That made me wonder if this is what was making me feel off, but I wasn't convinced.  I took another early detection test and again negative.  Finally my period was late.  I waited until it was 2 days late.  Tested again.  Again, I got a negative.  The morning it was 4 days late, another negative!   Daniel told me I needed to just stop thinking about it, and that maybe my stress was causing things to get off whack.  All emotional I replied with "Easy for you to say.  You go to work and feel normal.  You don't have to think about it.  I go to work and feel crampy and emotional.  I try to ignore it, but then my boobs start to randomly feel like they're going to rocket off into space.  It's un-ignorable!"  The emotional upheaval of that information did make me ponder my pregnancy chances once again.  My poor phone had been flooded for 2 weeks straight with google searches pertaining to anything from early pregnancy symptoms, what to expect for the 2nd cycle post-miscarriage, breast explosions (exaggeration obviously), and ovary cysts.  My final throw-me-over -the-edge/this isn't right situation was crying during The Jersey Shore.... Ok! I am usually embarrassed to say I watch the stupid show let alone say I cried during an episode! Oh my gosh seriously something isn't right!!!  When we went to bed that night, I just lie there awake.  I absolutely knew something wasn't right.  I googled some more until I couldn't handle it.... I took another test.  And there after 10:30pm on the night of my 4th day of missed minsies was the slightest positive!!!!

We're pregnant!!!!!!!

Finally I could trust my gut.  All my suspicions were right.  There was a baby in there.

The week after finding out we were leaving for California.  We would be gone a week.   This meant by the time I came back I would be around 6 1/2 weeks preggo.  Usually I would see my doctor at 6 weeks, but I knew she did the first ultrasound at 8 weeks.  I held off till 8 weeks for the first doctors appointment for this pregnancy.  We couldn't wait!  That appointment was something we kept talking about.

The morning of the 8 week appointment we dropped Mylin off with friends so that we could go together.  I remember sitting in the passenger side day dreaming of our baby.  I even thought to myself oh man I remember when we first go this SUV.  It seemed so big!  Now with all of Mylin's stuff it had gotten so small and I knew we'd be pretty cramped with the new baby.  The thought of what it'd be like to have twins and how totally screwed we'd be in the car department crossed my mind. (Since we only wanted 2 and then Daniel would be getting the ol' sniper-oo, twins would be the only chance of having 3.)  I then laughed it off realizing how absolutely ridiculous that thought of twins was.  The odds after all are so low.  It was a funny thought though.

  Daniel and I were so nervous and excited.  Once we arrived at the dr's office we were taken directly to the ultrasound room.  After having me give a urine specimen and checking my blood pressure and weight, finally the ultrasound tech came into the room.  As she started the ultrasound my eyes caught something.  There appeared to be 2 sacs.  She hadn't said a peep, so I wondered if perhaps the other was not a sac.  Maybe it was some medical not great thing, like a cyst.  Then as she took a closer look the sentence "Ught Ohhhh." drops from her mouth.  I knew as soon as I heard it that those 2 sacs were 2 babies!!!!  Poor Daniel.  His mind automatically went the other direction. He asked "What's wrong!?" and "Is our baby ok?!"  The tech respondes with "You're having twins."  Daniel totally thought she was joking.  He wouldn't believe her.  I told him she was truthful and that I saw it before she said anything.  He asked again "Are you serious?"  She replied with, "Better you than me."  As he realized she was telling the truth all he could do was sweat.  We were in utter shock.  Over joyed, nerve wracked shock!  I left the dr's office laughing all the way out!  It was all I could do!  This was beyond our imagination.

It's just so crazy to me that God is giving us not one but TWO babies!  We feel so utterly blessed! They were loved before they were even conceived.  How amazing!!!!!

So here we are.  I am just over 5 months pregnant. WITH 2 GIRLS! Lord have mercy on poor Daniel.  The proud Papa of soon to be 3 daughters!!!!  We are so over joyed.... but also nervous. Not for the twin part.  (Although, we know that doesn't come without it's challenges.)  Mostly for the financial aspect.  I am our main financial provider.  Daniel is a full-time student, part-time stay at home dad, and part-time Starbucks shift supervisor.  I am so proud of him and how hard is working to ensure our family a better future.  That being said... I'd say roughly about 80% of our income comes from me.  I am self-employed.  This means no benefits, including maternity leave.

With Mylin I worked my butt off.  As soon as I heard I was pregnant I started working my 2nd job like crazy!  I worked 7 days a week until the end of my 8th month of pregnancy.  I then worked 5 days a week until I had her.  I also returned to work full-time the day she turned 3 weeks old!

The twins are different story.  I am automatically a high-risk pregnancy.  This means more caution.  I can't work my 2nd job for 2 reasons.  I can't travel leaving Mylin behind for 2-4 days at a time, and my body honestly can't handle it.  That shoots out any extra income.  I've noticed I can't work long days like I previously could.  I come home absolutely nauseous and my muscles spasim.  It's scary to think of the possibility of bed rest.  I don't even really want to consider it an option. Literally without me working we could pay for groceries and maybe the electric bill. That's it.  No home. No gas. No car.  Not much of anything.  The other scary thing is recovery time.  Twins come with a 60% chance of c-section which at least doubles your recovery time.  That means a longer no pay maternity leave.  The hair business is also really terrible for maternity leave, because the longer you are gone the more clients are acclimated to try someone else... and maybe not come back.  Which means less money when you do return.

In the last 6 months I have had at least 6 clients move out of state.  I have noticed a dramatic decrease in pay and an increased struggle in getting things paid.  I try to tell myself we're not that bad off, and push help off to the side.  I'm a prideful person.  I've been 100% living on my own since 19.  The honest truth is we have $12 in our only saving account.  We're definitely not well off.  We will need help.

The only thing that has helped me from not worrying myself absolutely nutty, is my faith in God.  I know that God wants us to have the twins.  They are his plan for us.  I know that he wants us to prosper, so he will provide.

At Christmas, my in-laws were so loving and blessed us with a gift that was so touching and so very helpful to us.

Tonight I was blessed with an email from a gal in one of my Mom's groups.  This woman who has met me less than a handful of times says God has laid my family and I on her heart.  She said that when she heard part of my story it stuck with her.  She is going to be starting a diaper drive in March to help provide for our babies.  Also, along with a friend, she is getting us a gift certificate for 12 pre-made meals.  The email brought tears to my eyes.

God loves us so much that he moves people who barely know us to do great things.  It's so amazing.  What a wonderful reminder of his presence, his truthfulness to his word, and his love.

Spring will be tough I am sure, but as I always say, "There isn't one thing worth while in life that comes easily, or we'd never know it was worth while."  These twins are going to be such an amazing blessing to Daniel, Mylin and I's lives.  We are already so very in love!!  Our God is a loving God, and He will be with us every step of the way <3