As I sit here with a sick sleeping baby strapped to me, one peering at me from her swing longing to be held, and my hurricane of a 2 year old in bed it's all I can do to hold back the tears.
Today has been rough. It's one of those days when the only thing that keeps you going is a reminder of how much you love the days that aren't like this, and above all how much you love those 3 little crazies.
Mylin woke up in full on destruct-o mode. A role of toilet paper completely unraveled on the floor, all toy bins emptied from the girls' room sprawling through the hallway and into the living room, an un-willingness to pick even a single piece of it up, and last but not least utter refusal to accept a consequence of being sent to her room or to time out. Completing her refusal with total meltdown, fall to the floor, out of her mind screaming. Obviously an out of this world great time for all involved.
The Academy Award for most Best Dramatic Sequence in a Domestic setting goes to... Mylin Schaaff!!!!!!
Just incase that wasn't enough, I have a sick infant. Yeah, the one who was up screaming for hours on end the last few nights in a row and screamed for an hour without stop until I lulled her to sleep in this baby pack. Who, as I am trying to speedily make everyone public appropriate, throws up on herself, and I, three times. Two of those times being total outfit massacres. I'm really not sure why I try to make the twins match or coordinate, it always means some sort of pre-excursion outfit elimination via some sort of bodily function or disfunction if you will.
Did I mention I was trying to make it to my Mom's group by 9am?
Ok. It's still do-able, even though at this point I'm feeling like this entire day may be a wash, and perhaps my best bet would be to stay home and do as much self loathing as I can get in between children insainty. The twins are in regurgitation-free clothing, in their carseats, and it's only 8:30am. I also have my Mom's Group duties of the name tags and sign in sheets edited, printed out, and put in the diaper bag. (Which I did before any of the mini-monsters arose from their toy engulfed baby cave, bright and early this morning.) Now to just get Mylin and I around. HA-HA-HA. Why would I think this was even a possibility. My naked out of her mind toddler refuses to be clothed or act unlike something that has escaped the Lincoln Park Zoo. She doesn't want clothes on, she doesn't want her hair brushed, she doesn't want me, she doesn't want anything that has to do with me getting out the freaking door. GAH! Then the babies start crying. Oh you know, because they've been in their carseats for 45 minutes and their sister still can't handle life enough to even get a brush through her naturally dread locked wild hair!
9:30am we FINALLY make it out the door. Once I get all 3 safely across the road, holding Mylin's hand with one and 2, that's right TWO carseats in the other (the things you can do with twin mom strength), and all three buckled into the car I whip an illegal U-turn. This Mama isn't going anywhere on a day like today un-caffeinated. Thank God for the angel that I call my huzbee. He had text me earlier about coffee, so I pull up to his Starbucks, shoot him a "I'm here text," and a comforting smile, kiss, and best of all Pumpkin Spice Latte are at my window within a minute.
We did make it to my group. Only an hour late and holding back many tears, but it was nice to go. There is nothing like the reassurance of another mother. Knowing that you aren't the only one that's wanted to send your toddler elsewhere on a plane to say it nicely (don't get me wrong I love her with all my heart and all that I am) and that in feeling so you're not terrible. My Mom group ladies are amazing. Truly. I felt better, for the moment.
Why I thought today would be my day to try my luck at asking the ONLY person I've ever asked who is not a friend or family member about sitting for us, I'm still not quite sure. I should have known nothing positive was yet to come from this day. Needless to say I did ask, and was not ready for the response. "No. Noooo. You'd want me to watch a very VERY energetic toddler and two 6 month old twins. That's toooooo much. That's way to much for one person." I tried to shut it down quickly with "Ok. No problem. I thought it wouldn't hurt to try." I was choking back tears at this point, hard. She couldn't stop, though. "That's just too much for one person. Where's she (Mylin) running in the kitchen? That's too much for one person. How do you even do it? That's just a lot to handle."
OK LADY! I F'n get it! Please, if you feel this way just say "No." and leave it there. I didn't need a long monologue about how horrific my situation is. I felt as though she just confirmed to me everything I've thought to be true. People can't handle it. People can't handle twin situation. It's impossible for us to go anywhere that is sans-chittlens. We don't even want to go out all the time. I just wanted to go to my friend's baby shower and to our friends' wedding 2 weeks later. That's it. You know, they say it takes a village to raise a child. If that's the truth I can't tell you what it takes to raise twins. Studies show twins come with a greater emotional, physical, and financial stress. Divorce rate is MUCH higher in parents of multiples. Every book, class, website, anything I've seen/heard about twins stresses how not only important, but also how absolutely necessary alone time and couple alone time is for parents of multiples. Yet, how the hell can you get that when people loose their damn minds about the simple thought of watching twins, let alone a wild toddler added into the mix. I have this picture in my mind of this old broad in Michigan who after us confirming, "Yes they're twins." she walked away crazily shaking her gullet to the point I was afraid it was either going to fly off and hit someone in the face or she was going to give herself a concussion saying "No way. Twins! I wouldn't. There's no way. Never. Ugh uh!" Riggghhhtttt old bag, because obviously everyone with twins chooses it for themselves. Lik if she found out she was having twins she'd be like "Nope sorry that's unacceptable. Won't do it." Obviously, we wouldn't change it for the world, but seriously get a grip on reality. These are our kids. They arrived in the order and number that God chose for us. Period.
I realize that there are a lot of things that come along with being a mom of multiples. There truly are few people who can do what you do, and even fewer who could do it everyday. No one can completely understand your situation, unless they themselves have multiples. Which makes it extremely hard to ever make it out of the house to a childless function. This lead me to the best part of my hard day.
I made up a new word. YES. I made it up and it brought a smile to my face. :0) I am hereby declaring this is my trademark word, so don't even try to take it. Hahaha If you are not a parent of multiples, I promise this is all in good fun. I hope you are, therefore, not offended by my humor.
Twintimidation:
Twintimidate:
The act of being intimidated by the actions, care taking, or general overal being that is twins.
OR
The act of being intimidated by the abilities of a twin mom to care for, nurture, entertain, carry, birth, or any action for more than one child of the exact same age at the exact same time. Particularly of the newborn to toddler state. This can especially be shown with a quick rebuttal in which a parent of singleton variety attempts to one up or equally compare their experience with their one child.
i.e. " I know EXACTLY how you feel. It was like I was carrying twins, because I had a 10lb baby." (So you also had 4 arms, 4 legs, 2 placentas, 2 sets of amniotic fluid, and nearly 40 inches of baby inside you.)
"It's like I had twins because they were so close in age." (Don't get me wrong newborn plus any other child is no walk in the park and especially close in age. BUT we literally have to choose which baby to pick up and console when both are crying. Especially when they are to young to support their head and it is damn near impossible to pick up both at once. At my daughters' 1 month appointment I had to have a nurse console one of them after shots. I felt terrible that I could not hold and coddle both of my crying in pain newborns. It broke my heart. This is one example of a million I could give.)
"The baby eats so much and wakes up so much during the night it's like breastfeeding twins." (Well all babies wake up during the night and unless you are practically strapped to a couch that they call a "twin nursing pillow" with 2 babies hooked to your bobbs, No. No, it isn't at all like breastfeeding twins.)
Again I support all mamas. No I don't think I have it sooooo much worse than everyone else. That last bit was for my own little humor and I hope no one is hurt by it. Being a Mama is the most amazing job in the world. It is also the hardest. You are shaping another human being's life, wether it's 1 or 8 at a time. It's no walk in the park, not even a literal walk in the park is a walk in the park. We all know how long it takes and how much effort is involved just to get the kiddo(s) in the stroller to take that walk, so singleton Mamas, twin Mamas, Mamas of more babies than there are hands, you are all amazing and wonderful.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Playing Tourist
Every once in a while we have fun spending the day doing what everyone who ever visits this beautiful city does. Playing tourist for us is going to the museums, pier, water tower, aquarium, and any other combo of Chicago must have eateries.
Mylin was in an amazing mood which helped everything go seamlessly. A happy toddler is a happy day ;)
We started out by going to the Lincoln Park Zoo. I carted all 3 lil ladies there all on my lonesome. Mylin loves the train, so that is always a great way to go. It was unseasonably warm. I believe in the low 80's and totally sunny! Even the animals were in good moods, hanging out in the open, as showing off! Mylin liked it when the "mama" lion roared.
When Daniel got off work we decided to make the most of the gorgeous day and head to Navy Pier. One of my clients has just hooked me up with a 10 ride pass and this was Ye perfect day for it. Mylin had also said that for her good behavior treat she wanted popcorn. It just so happens that there is a Garrett's at the pier.
I loved watching My have so much fun. There was a light house ride he couldn't get enough of! (It's like the kiddie version of the giant drop.). She even put her hand in the air for it.
I know this isn't one of my typical super thought out blogs, but today was special to me. I want to write more memories down like this too.
Mylin was in an amazing mood which helped everything go seamlessly. A happy toddler is a happy day ;)
We started out by going to the Lincoln Park Zoo. I carted all 3 lil ladies there all on my lonesome. Mylin loves the train, so that is always a great way to go. It was unseasonably warm. I believe in the low 80's and totally sunny! Even the animals were in good moods, hanging out in the open, as showing off! Mylin liked it when the "mama" lion roared.
When Daniel got off work we decided to make the most of the gorgeous day and head to Navy Pier. One of my clients has just hooked me up with a 10 ride pass and this was Ye perfect day for it. Mylin had also said that for her good behavior treat she wanted popcorn. It just so happens that there is a Garrett's at the pier.
I loved watching My have so much fun. There was a light house ride he couldn't get enough of! (It's like the kiddie version of the giant drop.). She even put her hand in the air for it.
I know this isn't one of my typical super thought out blogs, but today was special to me. I want to write more memories down like this too.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
A day in the life... triple insanity
Let me start this by saying, I feel absolutely blessed by the arrival of my twins. What follows this disclaimer serves two main purposes. It's my way of sharing my day with all of you, and also give Daniel and I something to look back on and laugh at in the future. (It also reminds us why we stopped at 3. Especially given the fact we have quadruple the odds of those of you without fraternal multiples, to have multiples again.)
9pm: I walk in the door from work. "We need to get this show on the road!" Mylin is finally asleep, and it's time to start the babies night time routine. I tandem feed them. Daniel runs our old, rotting, stranger/inanimate object aggressive, blind dog out to go to the bathroom. He hurries back to help burp one of the twins and speed along the process. This is usually the point where he starts to get a little frantic, stating "Even if I get to bed 10 minutes from now and the babies sleep through the night I'll only get 6 hours of sleep. I then get the bathtub ready with the perfect temp water and bathe each baby separately. Daniel grabs the first clean baby and I begin the next. It's a well oiled machine at this point. We slather them down with lotion and butt paste before applying a fresh diaper and clean jammies. We're praying for a good stretch of sleep tonight. Meanwhile, there are 2 bottles warming with milk I've pumped and stored in the fridge. We do bottles so that they have a way to take both their vitamins and their probiotics. At this point Lakyn pretty much refuses to do the last feeding of the night unless it is from a bottle. We each feed and burp a baby.
10:30pm: The babies have cluster fed. (Thank God for tandem feeding!)We've bathed them and hopefully we are all ready for bed. Oh, except me of course. This is my last pumping session of the day. It always puts me in bed at least a good 20 minutes behind everyone else by the time everything is stored and cleaned. That's if both babes agreed it was time for bed. Tonight though Lakyn is fussing and busting out of her swaddle, which makes her cry even more. Those crazy flailing baby arms really muster up some screams! Luckily it doesn't last more than a half hour.
1am: Mylin has awoke from a dream and is screaming "Mama!!! Mommy!!!" over and over at the top of her lungs. Sadly, I have learned if I want her to go back to sleep or get any sleep myself, I have to ignore it. She'll eventually put herself back to bed. Tonight she screams for 45 minutes.
2:30am: Babies first feeding and bootie change of the new day. (It is always, without fail, Eisley who wakes up for a feeding. We really think Lakyn would sleep through the entire night given the chance, but are too afraid to test that hypothesis. With our luck, Lakyn would wake up hungry as soon as we fall asleep after tending to Eisley.) I get the ginormous pillow as Daniel gets up, turns off the fan, and un-swaddles the babies (if there is anything left of the swaddle at this point, from all the fussing). He then hands me babies as we both struggle to stay awake. Lakyn is in such a deep sleep I have to jiggle her and sometimes even wipe her face down with a cold cloth to wake her. Once the first baby is done eating I usually have to wake Daniel, so that he can start the burping process. Then it's bootie changes, swaddles, and back to bed.
These days we get pretty lucky and can land ourselves back in bed within a half hour. That is, as long as both babies are easily lulled back to sleep.
4am: Daniel's Alarm goes off. He gets ready, kisses me good-bye, and I'm on my own.
5am: Another feeding and bootie change.
This feeding usually lasts longer and I always have to stay up to pump. I am lucky if I can hop into bed after 45min-1hour. That is a rarity though. Since the babies have been born Mylin has been waking during the 6 o'clock hour, rather than her normal 7:30am.
6:15am: "Mama! I awake! Mama!!!! Come ge' me. Mommyyyyy! Mama! MAMA!!!" The little monster is awake for the day. Eye yey eye.
6:30am: After a giving myself a pep talk and rising to my feet I finally release Mylin :) She tells me good morning and gives me a tight squeeze. She tells me she's peed and needs a bootie change. Without fail, once the bootie change is done, she declares she is "hungary!" I give her fresh berries and yogurt just in time for....
7am: Screaming babies!!! They're hungry again. Yes. Again. I set one baby on the bed, strap on my ginormous pillow, pick up the other baby, and take her to the bed. Tandem feeding is such a time saver, but proves tricky when home alone. In the middle of feeding the babies I hear, "Mama! I'm done!!! Want down, Mama! Down! Mama!" I finish feeding the babies and change them. I then clean up My, who has been eating breakfast alone at the kitchen table :( There is yogurt all over the wall, table, and booster. As I hear fussing babies, in need of pacifiers, I ponder when I'll get the chance to clean that up. I put the babies in their swings, start the mobiles, give them their pacifiers, and start a show for Mylin.
8am: I get to eat! (if I'm lucky of course) I try to enjoy as Mylin is begging at the gate between the kitchen and living room "Mama, play toys wis me? Wanna play toys wis me?" When that doesn't get me moving right away she begins to torture the babies; she squeezes their hands, scratches them, or pushes the swings far too fast if I don't catch her first. "Mama I scratching the babies!" (Oh awesome, My so glad! NOT!) I know she will be better behaved if I get her out of the house, and it's with this in mind I decide to prepare to take all 3 girls to the park... ALONE. I pack up the diaper bag making sure it's properly stocked, which is quite the task in itself. Attempting to get Mylin ready is always a good time... insert sarcasm here. She is totally picky about everything she wears all the way down to which flip flops. Considering we have now entered the terrible 2's this whole process is never complete without an on the floor, screaming, kicking, crying, pounding over the top fit! The cherry on top is when she gets up to go to the mirror and see what her little drama queen face looks like as she forces tears down her face. (This girl is an actress in the making!) I then have to get the girls changed according to the weather.
9am: Guess what time it is!!! Oh, yeah, the twins are hungry again. I position the 2 bouncers on either side of a blanket I have tripple folded on the floor, against the couch. The babies are screaming and their faces are turning to the likeness of a plum. I put each baby in a bouncer, only to have them freak out so bad they nearly slide out. Now to find that huge pillow again! I strap it on and sit on my folded blanket. This is where you have to be strategic. I grab the least fussy baby and place them on the pillow. Turning that hip towards the ceiling, I attempt to grab the fussiest baby and get her on the pillow. (Thank God for Mother's of Multiples blogs! If it weren't for time saving strategies like these I might go crazy!!) Once they are eating it's a blur of talking Mylin down from climbing the entertainment center, the table, the window sill, and well just about anything a little monkey can climb. She then states, frustrated and ready to go, "Mama, we go to park? Put baby down! We go to park!" I finish feeding the babies and change them.
9:45am: Finally ready to head out the door. I strategically place the twins inside the MobyWrap. Then I fight Mylin who doesn't want to put her kiddie leash on (It's the only way I can safely get to the stroller with all 3) and OHHHH whatta ya know! Now she doesn't want to go to the park?! Oh to be 2! I force her to put the puppy back pack on (it's the leash) and remind her she'll love it once we are there. Finally out of our door, but more fun awaits. We live on the "3rd" (which is really the 4th) floor of a walk up. Mylin quickly says "Mama, I carry you!" To which I reply, "That's sweet you're going to carry me?" She corrects herself and says "You carry me!" I remind her that with the babies in the pack that's impossible and since she is now a big girl she is perfectly capable of doing it on her own while holding the railing. WE FINALLY MAKE IT OUTSIDE!!!!! I put Mylin in her seat at the front of our bulldozer of a stroller and release her from the leash. Then I carefully take the babies out of the pack and get them settled into the stroller. The fresh air revives me and usually makes the struggle of leaving the apartment seem pretty worth it. The first thing we do (to help me survive the remainder of the day) is head to Starbucks to see Papa. Many comments and stares about the stroller and the babes await us inside. It's worth it though. I know what awaits me. A venti, iced, soy, half caf, half pump, caramel macchiatto is my poison of choice! YUM! We say "hello" to our friends (Papa's co-workers) and make jokes about my exhaustion and the happenings of the morning. Ok, let's do this! My grabs a banana and we're off.
10:30am: The park!!!! The smile and excitement on Mylin's face makes me so happy! She starts bouncing in her kangaroo seat of the triple stroller as we reach the gate. I try to get her out as soon as possible, both before she bounces the seat right onto the babes or spontaneously combusts! :) Yay! I'm semi-free! She's a happy girl. I find a shady spot near where My is playing to park the stroller and allow the babies a nice little nap. The recent heat wave keeps them napping a little longer, so I can run around with My a little bit. It gives her that one on one time she's been craving.
11:30am: A park feeding. I find a discrete shady area and hide out with my nursing cover. I pray both babies don't get hungry at the same time. It's definitely happened before. Nothing like trying not to draw attention to yourself while feeding one baby beneath a nursing cover and having another one scream her little lungs out inconsolably! There's no way to tandem feed two babies that are too young to hold their head up without that darn pillow, so one just has to scream it out. I then have to burp and change each baby separately as well. Being outside makes the process seem a little less overwhelming, since I too am distracted by the beautiful weather and all the action around us. I try to distract My by bribing her with food or money for the ice-cream man while I feed the baby, to keep her close. Before totally cleaning up I change Mylin's big ol' bootie. (I'm so over changing her gross diapers and am really trying to potty train her since at this point her diapers are the size of depends. This has only resulted in me cleaning up poop and pee on the hard wood floors. As if I needed something else to add to my daily madness.) Then it's a packed lunch and back to park play.
12:50pm: Wrap it up! Mylin is at this point exhausted and the babies are getting fussy for yet another feeding! Thank God that by the time we get home, Papa will also be getting home. He helps me unload everyone, handing me a twin for each arm and he carries My. When we get up stairs he sets me up with the babies and the ginormo pillow, and their screaming subsides as they eat once again. Daniel or I then tuck My in for her afternoon nap. The next few hours are a rush to do whatever needs done as the little fire-breathing toddler slumbers. Daniel takes the rotten, attention deprived dog on her only lengthy walk of the day. He dodges other dogs and people that our dog desires to snack upon all while trying to keep his shoulder and wrist in socket. He literally never comes back from a walk unhurt by this dog. I try to quick shower. When I'm done he quickly showers in attempt to wake back up and do homework. He's a full-time student and since today is my day off, he has to get as much class work done as possible to keep up! This leaves no break from the insanity for either of us. It also leaves no "just us" time. We long for the day we get either or both.
(This is the point in the day where if I had to go to work, Daniel would then take over. When I have been at work it's been for 9 to 12 hour days, both to play catch-up from maternity leave and make money to support the fam. This leaves Daniel alone with all 3 babies in a blur of heating bottles, feeding babies, changing babies, chasing Mylin, feeding Mylin, attempting to read an assignment, and starting the previous all over again. This twin stuff is serious business.)
3pm: Crying... not newborn. Mylin is awake again. She's also re-energized. Be ready for a tornado! A mass of toys is brought into the living room surrounding the pre-existing baby gear. If you're claustrophobic at all, this image may be too much to handle. Now the newborn cries begin. They're hungry once more and you have to dodge a sea of My Little Ponies and Disney Princesses to reach them. As I once again begin to feed the babies, My begs for a Princess movie. I have an internal struggle with myself over wether I should not allow her to watch anymore tv, or to go the easy route and give in. At this point in life, I usually give in to the easy route. I put the twins down. Mylin watches her show just as the twins begin to cry. This time it's not for any paticular reason, but they are both crying. How do you choose which baby to console and which baby to allow to cry longer until you've settled the first down? This always makes me want to cry. I want to be able to help both equally at the same time, all the time. Since they can't hold up their own heads and its impossible to hold them simultaneously when they are this upset, I'm forced to choose one. I try to decide either who I haven't held as much on this particular day or who will more quickly be pacified. I settle them down and it isn't long before they are crying again. They are hungry this time. Once they are done eating I lay them on their play matts in attempt to keep them awake for a portion of the day and warrant ourselves some extra sleep in the latter hours of the night.
5pm: What's for dinner? It's at around this time we have to start putting together what will nutritionally sustain the members of our family who have teeth. We are so thankful for Chicago Dream Dinners. The simplicity of the food is the only reason we have food on the table many nights. As I begin to cook, Eisley is screaming. She's farting a ton and you can tell she's in pain. She hasn't pooped in over a week, and is totally constipated. I ask Daniel to pause from homework to bicycle her legs and calm her. (The doctor is still undecided on exactly what is causing her constipation. Especially because it is supposed to be near impossible for strictly breast fed babies to become constipated.)
6:30pm: Dinner. We strip My down to her diaper. (She is a terribly messy eater and this not only saves her clothes but also ensures we don't struggle to keep food out of her hair as pull her shirt over head.) We strap her in her booster seat and serve her first. She is usually pretty cranky at this point, so the sooner she eats the better. Daniel wraps up his last thoughts on the assignment he is attempting to work on and joins us in the kitchen. I have both of our plates served and sitting at the table. Daniel prays a prayer of thanks to the Lord for our beautiful family and the meal he has provided us. Amen. I take the first bite... and que the duet of baby screams. Without fail, they are ALWAYS hungry when I begin to eat. I quickly down just a few more bites to keep me from getting jittery and tend to the ladies, feeding burping, and changing them.
7:15pm: Bath time. Daniel gets Mylin in the bath. She pretends to swim, lying on her belly in the water. It's a fight to get her to wash her hair. She plays with her Ariel dolls and does her best (very loud) Ariel singing voice impression. (This always makes me smile, because I used to do the same thing when I was little.) I sneak away from the babies and finish my dinner.
7:45pm: Bed Time for My. Mylin picks out her Princess jammies and runs out to the living room to give the babies and I our smootches. This is the time of night that the babies begin to cluster feed, so I'll be tied down for awhile from this point on. "Love you Mama, love you so much. Sweet dreams." It's one of those moments you wish you could bask in for awhile <3 Daniel takes her to brush her teeth before tucking her in. Once she is in bed she milks him for every bedtime story he's worth. "Nother book, Papa? Cat 'n Hat? Cat 'n Hat?" Daniel promises her there will be more stories tomorrow, says a goodnight prayer, and gives her a goodnight kiss. "Night Papa nighhhttt." She covers her eyes with her fave snuggy toy "bananas" the monkey blankie she's had since she was 4 months old.
8:30pm: Daniel states it's time to get the show on the road. We look around at our city dump of a house feeling utterly defeated by yet another hand full of tasks added to those from the days before that we simply do NOT have the time to complete. We're only able to bask in the terribleness of our house's triumph over us for a moment if want to go to sleep sometime tonight. If we're lucky a load of dishes is going in the dish washer and Mylin's spot at the table is clean.
9pm: Repeat previous 9pm activities. It starts all over again.
If there is one thing that every twin book, class, or parent told us, it's that you can't do it without help. We are. Yes it's not perfect. Our house is a nightmare, but it's the one thing that's really had to take a back seat. Our kids are fed, bathed, and changed. Money enough to pay bills is coming in through our jobs. Daniel is still passing in all of his classes. We're doing it.
God has deeply blessed us and I wouldn't change what he has given us for anything. I know it's because of him we make through each day. It's because of your prayers and support we have made it to this point. This is hard. No one said it would be easy. I know there will be a day we look back on this and miss it in some way, shape or form. For now we are surviving and trying to enjoy those moments we get to just hold any of our 3 ladies and love on them. Those moments are sporadic, but oh how sweet they are.
9pm: I walk in the door from work. "We need to get this show on the road!" Mylin is finally asleep, and it's time to start the babies night time routine. I tandem feed them. Daniel runs our old, rotting, stranger/inanimate object aggressive, blind dog out to go to the bathroom. He hurries back to help burp one of the twins and speed along the process. This is usually the point where he starts to get a little frantic, stating "Even if I get to bed 10 minutes from now and the babies sleep through the night I'll only get 6 hours of sleep. I then get the bathtub ready with the perfect temp water and bathe each baby separately. Daniel grabs the first clean baby and I begin the next. It's a well oiled machine at this point. We slather them down with lotion and butt paste before applying a fresh diaper and clean jammies. We're praying for a good stretch of sleep tonight. Meanwhile, there are 2 bottles warming with milk I've pumped and stored in the fridge. We do bottles so that they have a way to take both their vitamins and their probiotics. At this point Lakyn pretty much refuses to do the last feeding of the night unless it is from a bottle. We each feed and burp a baby.
10:30pm: The babies have cluster fed. (Thank God for tandem feeding!)We've bathed them and hopefully we are all ready for bed. Oh, except me of course. This is my last pumping session of the day. It always puts me in bed at least a good 20 minutes behind everyone else by the time everything is stored and cleaned. That's if both babes agreed it was time for bed. Tonight though Lakyn is fussing and busting out of her swaddle, which makes her cry even more. Those crazy flailing baby arms really muster up some screams! Luckily it doesn't last more than a half hour.
1am: Mylin has awoke from a dream and is screaming "Mama!!! Mommy!!!" over and over at the top of her lungs. Sadly, I have learned if I want her to go back to sleep or get any sleep myself, I have to ignore it. She'll eventually put herself back to bed. Tonight she screams for 45 minutes.
2:30am: Babies first feeding and bootie change of the new day. (It is always, without fail, Eisley who wakes up for a feeding. We really think Lakyn would sleep through the entire night given the chance, but are too afraid to test that hypothesis. With our luck, Lakyn would wake up hungry as soon as we fall asleep after tending to Eisley.) I get the ginormous pillow as Daniel gets up, turns off the fan, and un-swaddles the babies (if there is anything left of the swaddle at this point, from all the fussing). He then hands me babies as we both struggle to stay awake. Lakyn is in such a deep sleep I have to jiggle her and sometimes even wipe her face down with a cold cloth to wake her. Once the first baby is done eating I usually have to wake Daniel, so that he can start the burping process. Then it's bootie changes, swaddles, and back to bed.
These days we get pretty lucky and can land ourselves back in bed within a half hour. That is, as long as both babies are easily lulled back to sleep.
4am: Daniel's Alarm goes off. He gets ready, kisses me good-bye, and I'm on my own.
5am: Another feeding and bootie change.
This feeding usually lasts longer and I always have to stay up to pump. I am lucky if I can hop into bed after 45min-1hour. That is a rarity though. Since the babies have been born Mylin has been waking during the 6 o'clock hour, rather than her normal 7:30am.
6:15am: "Mama! I awake! Mama!!!! Come ge' me. Mommyyyyy! Mama! MAMA!!!" The little monster is awake for the day. Eye yey eye.
6:30am: After a giving myself a pep talk and rising to my feet I finally release Mylin :) She tells me good morning and gives me a tight squeeze. She tells me she's peed and needs a bootie change. Without fail, once the bootie change is done, she declares she is "hungary!" I give her fresh berries and yogurt just in time for....
7am: Screaming babies!!! They're hungry again. Yes. Again. I set one baby on the bed, strap on my ginormous pillow, pick up the other baby, and take her to the bed. Tandem feeding is such a time saver, but proves tricky when home alone. In the middle of feeding the babies I hear, "Mama! I'm done!!! Want down, Mama! Down! Mama!" I finish feeding the babies and change them. I then clean up My, who has been eating breakfast alone at the kitchen table :( There is yogurt all over the wall, table, and booster. As I hear fussing babies, in need of pacifiers, I ponder when I'll get the chance to clean that up. I put the babies in their swings, start the mobiles, give them their pacifiers, and start a show for Mylin.
8am: I get to eat! (if I'm lucky of course) I try to enjoy as Mylin is begging at the gate between the kitchen and living room "Mama, play toys wis me? Wanna play toys wis me?" When that doesn't get me moving right away she begins to torture the babies; she squeezes their hands, scratches them, or pushes the swings far too fast if I don't catch her first. "Mama I scratching the babies!" (Oh awesome, My so glad! NOT!) I know she will be better behaved if I get her out of the house, and it's with this in mind I decide to prepare to take all 3 girls to the park... ALONE. I pack up the diaper bag making sure it's properly stocked, which is quite the task in itself. Attempting to get Mylin ready is always a good time... insert sarcasm here. She is totally picky about everything she wears all the way down to which flip flops. Considering we have now entered the terrible 2's this whole process is never complete without an on the floor, screaming, kicking, crying, pounding over the top fit! The cherry on top is when she gets up to go to the mirror and see what her little drama queen face looks like as she forces tears down her face. (This girl is an actress in the making!) I then have to get the girls changed according to the weather.
9am: Guess what time it is!!! Oh, yeah, the twins are hungry again. I position the 2 bouncers on either side of a blanket I have tripple folded on the floor, against the couch. The babies are screaming and their faces are turning to the likeness of a plum. I put each baby in a bouncer, only to have them freak out so bad they nearly slide out. Now to find that huge pillow again! I strap it on and sit on my folded blanket. This is where you have to be strategic. I grab the least fussy baby and place them on the pillow. Turning that hip towards the ceiling, I attempt to grab the fussiest baby and get her on the pillow. (Thank God for Mother's of Multiples blogs! If it weren't for time saving strategies like these I might go crazy!!) Once they are eating it's a blur of talking Mylin down from climbing the entertainment center, the table, the window sill, and well just about anything a little monkey can climb. She then states, frustrated and ready to go, "Mama, we go to park? Put baby down! We go to park!" I finish feeding the babies and change them.
9:45am: Finally ready to head out the door. I strategically place the twins inside the MobyWrap. Then I fight Mylin who doesn't want to put her kiddie leash on (It's the only way I can safely get to the stroller with all 3) and OHHHH whatta ya know! Now she doesn't want to go to the park?! Oh to be 2! I force her to put the puppy back pack on (it's the leash) and remind her she'll love it once we are there. Finally out of our door, but more fun awaits. We live on the "3rd" (which is really the 4th) floor of a walk up. Mylin quickly says "Mama, I carry you!" To which I reply, "That's sweet you're going to carry me?" She corrects herself and says "You carry me!" I remind her that with the babies in the pack that's impossible and since she is now a big girl she is perfectly capable of doing it on her own while holding the railing. WE FINALLY MAKE IT OUTSIDE!!!!! I put Mylin in her seat at the front of our bulldozer of a stroller and release her from the leash. Then I carefully take the babies out of the pack and get them settled into the stroller. The fresh air revives me and usually makes the struggle of leaving the apartment seem pretty worth it. The first thing we do (to help me survive the remainder of the day) is head to Starbucks to see Papa. Many comments and stares about the stroller and the babes await us inside. It's worth it though. I know what awaits me. A venti, iced, soy, half caf, half pump, caramel macchiatto is my poison of choice! YUM! We say "hello" to our friends (Papa's co-workers) and make jokes about my exhaustion and the happenings of the morning. Ok, let's do this! My grabs a banana and we're off.
10:30am: The park!!!! The smile and excitement on Mylin's face makes me so happy! She starts bouncing in her kangaroo seat of the triple stroller as we reach the gate. I try to get her out as soon as possible, both before she bounces the seat right onto the babes or spontaneously combusts! :) Yay! I'm semi-free! She's a happy girl. I find a shady spot near where My is playing to park the stroller and allow the babies a nice little nap. The recent heat wave keeps them napping a little longer, so I can run around with My a little bit. It gives her that one on one time she's been craving.
11:30am: A park feeding. I find a discrete shady area and hide out with my nursing cover. I pray both babies don't get hungry at the same time. It's definitely happened before. Nothing like trying not to draw attention to yourself while feeding one baby beneath a nursing cover and having another one scream her little lungs out inconsolably! There's no way to tandem feed two babies that are too young to hold their head up without that darn pillow, so one just has to scream it out. I then have to burp and change each baby separately as well. Being outside makes the process seem a little less overwhelming, since I too am distracted by the beautiful weather and all the action around us. I try to distract My by bribing her with food or money for the ice-cream man while I feed the baby, to keep her close. Before totally cleaning up I change Mylin's big ol' bootie. (I'm so over changing her gross diapers and am really trying to potty train her since at this point her diapers are the size of depends. This has only resulted in me cleaning up poop and pee on the hard wood floors. As if I needed something else to add to my daily madness.) Then it's a packed lunch and back to park play.
12:50pm: Wrap it up! Mylin is at this point exhausted and the babies are getting fussy for yet another feeding! Thank God that by the time we get home, Papa will also be getting home. He helps me unload everyone, handing me a twin for each arm and he carries My. When we get up stairs he sets me up with the babies and the ginormo pillow, and their screaming subsides as they eat once again. Daniel or I then tuck My in for her afternoon nap. The next few hours are a rush to do whatever needs done as the little fire-breathing toddler slumbers. Daniel takes the rotten, attention deprived dog on her only lengthy walk of the day. He dodges other dogs and people that our dog desires to snack upon all while trying to keep his shoulder and wrist in socket. He literally never comes back from a walk unhurt by this dog. I try to quick shower. When I'm done he quickly showers in attempt to wake back up and do homework. He's a full-time student and since today is my day off, he has to get as much class work done as possible to keep up! This leaves no break from the insanity for either of us. It also leaves no "just us" time. We long for the day we get either or both.
(This is the point in the day where if I had to go to work, Daniel would then take over. When I have been at work it's been for 9 to 12 hour days, both to play catch-up from maternity leave and make money to support the fam. This leaves Daniel alone with all 3 babies in a blur of heating bottles, feeding babies, changing babies, chasing Mylin, feeding Mylin, attempting to read an assignment, and starting the previous all over again. This twin stuff is serious business.)
3pm: Crying... not newborn. Mylin is awake again. She's also re-energized. Be ready for a tornado! A mass of toys is brought into the living room surrounding the pre-existing baby gear. If you're claustrophobic at all, this image may be too much to handle. Now the newborn cries begin. They're hungry once more and you have to dodge a sea of My Little Ponies and Disney Princesses to reach them. As I once again begin to feed the babies, My begs for a Princess movie. I have an internal struggle with myself over wether I should not allow her to watch anymore tv, or to go the easy route and give in. At this point in life, I usually give in to the easy route. I put the twins down. Mylin watches her show just as the twins begin to cry. This time it's not for any paticular reason, but they are both crying. How do you choose which baby to console and which baby to allow to cry longer until you've settled the first down? This always makes me want to cry. I want to be able to help both equally at the same time, all the time. Since they can't hold up their own heads and its impossible to hold them simultaneously when they are this upset, I'm forced to choose one. I try to decide either who I haven't held as much on this particular day or who will more quickly be pacified. I settle them down and it isn't long before they are crying again. They are hungry this time. Once they are done eating I lay them on their play matts in attempt to keep them awake for a portion of the day and warrant ourselves some extra sleep in the latter hours of the night.
5pm: What's for dinner? It's at around this time we have to start putting together what will nutritionally sustain the members of our family who have teeth. We are so thankful for Chicago Dream Dinners. The simplicity of the food is the only reason we have food on the table many nights. As I begin to cook, Eisley is screaming. She's farting a ton and you can tell she's in pain. She hasn't pooped in over a week, and is totally constipated. I ask Daniel to pause from homework to bicycle her legs and calm her. (The doctor is still undecided on exactly what is causing her constipation. Especially because it is supposed to be near impossible for strictly breast fed babies to become constipated.)
6:30pm: Dinner. We strip My down to her diaper. (She is a terribly messy eater and this not only saves her clothes but also ensures we don't struggle to keep food out of her hair as pull her shirt over head.) We strap her in her booster seat and serve her first. She is usually pretty cranky at this point, so the sooner she eats the better. Daniel wraps up his last thoughts on the assignment he is attempting to work on and joins us in the kitchen. I have both of our plates served and sitting at the table. Daniel prays a prayer of thanks to the Lord for our beautiful family and the meal he has provided us. Amen. I take the first bite... and que the duet of baby screams. Without fail, they are ALWAYS hungry when I begin to eat. I quickly down just a few more bites to keep me from getting jittery and tend to the ladies, feeding burping, and changing them.
7:15pm: Bath time. Daniel gets Mylin in the bath. She pretends to swim, lying on her belly in the water. It's a fight to get her to wash her hair. She plays with her Ariel dolls and does her best (very loud) Ariel singing voice impression. (This always makes me smile, because I used to do the same thing when I was little.) I sneak away from the babies and finish my dinner.
7:45pm: Bed Time for My. Mylin picks out her Princess jammies and runs out to the living room to give the babies and I our smootches. This is the time of night that the babies begin to cluster feed, so I'll be tied down for awhile from this point on. "Love you Mama, love you so much. Sweet dreams." It's one of those moments you wish you could bask in for awhile <3 Daniel takes her to brush her teeth before tucking her in. Once she is in bed she milks him for every bedtime story he's worth. "Nother book, Papa? Cat 'n Hat? Cat 'n Hat?" Daniel promises her there will be more stories tomorrow, says a goodnight prayer, and gives her a goodnight kiss. "Night Papa nighhhttt." She covers her eyes with her fave snuggy toy "bananas" the monkey blankie she's had since she was 4 months old.
8:30pm: Daniel states it's time to get the show on the road. We look around at our city dump of a house feeling utterly defeated by yet another hand full of tasks added to those from the days before that we simply do NOT have the time to complete. We're only able to bask in the terribleness of our house's triumph over us for a moment if want to go to sleep sometime tonight. If we're lucky a load of dishes is going in the dish washer and Mylin's spot at the table is clean.
9pm: Repeat previous 9pm activities. It starts all over again.
If there is one thing that every twin book, class, or parent told us, it's that you can't do it without help. We are. Yes it's not perfect. Our house is a nightmare, but it's the one thing that's really had to take a back seat. Our kids are fed, bathed, and changed. Money enough to pay bills is coming in through our jobs. Daniel is still passing in all of his classes. We're doing it.
God has deeply blessed us and I wouldn't change what he has given us for anything. I know it's because of him we make through each day. It's because of your prayers and support we have made it to this point. This is hard. No one said it would be easy. I know there will be a day we look back on this and miss it in some way, shape or form. For now we are surviving and trying to enjoy those moments we get to just hold any of our 3 ladies and love on them. Those moments are sporadic, but oh how sweet they are.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
God is good... so good!
On the last weekend of June 2011, and on our first day of vacation, I realized we were losing our baby. I had been up all night with cramps terrible cramps. I didn't register it then, but it was a lot like the night I went into labor with Mylin. I was 2 months pregnant with a baby we were absolutely ecstatic about and already in love with. When I finally got out of bed that morning to use the restroom, I realized why I felt so terribly. Very calmly I woke Daniel and asked him to drive me to the ER, explaining we were losing the baby. My voice was so calm that he wasn't even sure of exactly what I had said and didn't move.
When we finally arrived at the ER they did some blood work and had me go for an internal ultrasound. Walking into the ultrasound room, the tech didn't see me with the Dr. and said jokingly "So where's my bleeder?" I ignored her, but was shocked by her lack of empathy. Once she began the ultrasound we saw my little Sprout. His heart was still beating.... a very low heartrate... but still beating. I believe it was 87 or something. They took me back to my room and I waited over an hour for my lab results. My HCG levels were low, but they couldn't confirm it was a miscarriage. I was ordered to bedrest and told it was a "threatened miscarriage." They gave me paper work on exactly what miscarriage or spontaneous abortion is, and told me they couldn't guarantee either way. In the midst of being discharged I had an urge to rush the bathroom. I knew after that incident that I would lose the baby.
I did. I lost the baby at a Casey's General Store somewhere between Galesburg and Macomb. I saw Sprout. He was tinee tiny. I lost it. I hadn't cried that hard in a very very long time. I tried to make light of the situation. I joked with Daniel and my brother that the clerk must have thought " Holy crap don't give that PMS crazy woman a gun." Since I had gone in, bought pads, went to the restroom, and left a tearful blubbering mess. Daniel tried to hold it together for me.... but I saw the pain and sadness in his eyes.
The weeks that followed were rollercoasters. One week I'd be fine. The next I'd find myself sad, jealous, or angry at the site of a pregnant woman. I wanted that baby so bad.
People don't talk about miscarriages. It's weird. 1/4 of reported pregnancies end up in miscarriage... which means that the actual amount is probably even higher.
It's a very real thing, painful both physically and emotionally.
Needless to say after that Daniel and I both wanted a baby so bad.
We were lucky and everything happened on it's own without medical assistance. This meant my body would heal much faster and we could start trying as soon as my cycle returned. Luckily for us this was only a month post-miscarriage.
I prayed; we prayed. Our hearts were broken, and we wanted another child so badly.
Once we were free to become pregnant again, I tried my hardest not to get my hopes up. I'd be lying, though, if I told you didn't start taking pregnancy tests the minute it's remotely possible for an early detection test to work properly. That would be at 6 days pre-menstrual cycle (for you fancy pants) or 6 day pre-period, if you will. I kept getting negatives, but questioned them. I felt different... something was off. I knew that at the ultrasound with Sprout they had told me I had a cyst on my ovary, but that after having the baby it would most likely go away. That made me wonder if this is what was making me feel off, but I wasn't convinced. I took another early detection test and again negative. Finally my period was late. I waited until it was 2 days late. Tested again. Again, I got a negative. The morning it was 4 days late, another negative! Daniel told me I needed to just stop thinking about it, and that maybe my stress was causing things to get off whack. All emotional I replied with "Easy for you to say. You go to work and feel normal. You don't have to think about it. I go to work and feel crampy and emotional. I try to ignore it, but then my boobs start to randomly feel like they're going to rocket off into space. It's un-ignorable!" The emotional upheaval of that information did make me ponder my pregnancy chances once again. My poor phone had been flooded for 2 weeks straight with google searches pertaining to anything from early pregnancy symptoms, what to expect for the 2nd cycle post-miscarriage, breast explosions (exaggeration obviously), and ovary cysts. My final throw-me-over -the-edge/this isn't right situation was crying during The Jersey Shore.... Ok! I am usually embarrassed to say I watch the stupid show let alone say I cried during an episode! Oh my gosh seriously something isn't right!!! When we went to bed that night, I just lie there awake. I absolutely knew something wasn't right. I googled some more until I couldn't handle it.... I took another test. And there after 10:30pm on the night of my 4th day of missed minsies was the slightest positive!!!!
We're pregnant!!!!!!!
Finally I could trust my gut. All my suspicions were right. There was a baby in there.
The week after finding out we were leaving for California. We would be gone a week. This meant by the time I came back I would be around 6 1/2 weeks preggo. Usually I would see my doctor at 6 weeks, but I knew she did the first ultrasound at 8 weeks. I held off till 8 weeks for the first doctors appointment for this pregnancy. We couldn't wait! That appointment was something we kept talking about.
The morning of the 8 week appointment we dropped Mylin off with friends so that we could go together. I remember sitting in the passenger side day dreaming of our baby. I even thought to myself oh man I remember when we first go this SUV. It seemed so big! Now with all of Mylin's stuff it had gotten so small and I knew we'd be pretty cramped with the new baby. The thought of what it'd be like to have twins and how totally screwed we'd be in the car department crossed my mind. (Since we only wanted 2 and then Daniel would be getting the ol' sniper-oo, twins would be the only chance of having 3.) I then laughed it off realizing how absolutely ridiculous that thought of twins was. The odds after all are so low. It was a funny thought though.
Daniel and I were so nervous and excited. Once we arrived at the dr's office we were taken directly to the ultrasound room. After having me give a urine specimen and checking my blood pressure and weight, finally the ultrasound tech came into the room. As she started the ultrasound my eyes caught something. There appeared to be 2 sacs. She hadn't said a peep, so I wondered if perhaps the other was not a sac. Maybe it was some medical not great thing, like a cyst. Then as she took a closer look the sentence "Ught Ohhhh." drops from her mouth. I knew as soon as I heard it that those 2 sacs were 2 babies!!!! Poor Daniel. His mind automatically went the other direction. He asked "What's wrong!?" and "Is our baby ok?!" The tech respondes with "You're having twins." Daniel totally thought she was joking. He wouldn't believe her. I told him she was truthful and that I saw it before she said anything. He asked again "Are you serious?" She replied with, "Better you than me." As he realized she was telling the truth all he could do was sweat. We were in utter shock. Over joyed, nerve wracked shock! I left the dr's office laughing all the way out! It was all I could do! This was beyond our imagination.
It's just so crazy to me that God is giving us not one but TWO babies! We feel so utterly blessed! They were loved before they were even conceived. How amazing!!!!!
So here we are. I am just over 5 months pregnant. WITH 2 GIRLS! Lord have mercy on poor Daniel. The proud Papa of soon to be 3 daughters!!!! We are so over joyed.... but also nervous. Not for the twin part. (Although, we know that doesn't come without it's challenges.) Mostly for the financial aspect. I am our main financial provider. Daniel is a full-time student, part-time stay at home dad, and part-time Starbucks shift supervisor. I am so proud of him and how hard is working to ensure our family a better future. That being said... I'd say roughly about 80% of our income comes from me. I am self-employed. This means no benefits, including maternity leave.
With Mylin I worked my butt off. As soon as I heard I was pregnant I started working my 2nd job like crazy! I worked 7 days a week until the end of my 8th month of pregnancy. I then worked 5 days a week until I had her. I also returned to work full-time the day she turned 3 weeks old!
The twins are different story. I am automatically a high-risk pregnancy. This means more caution. I can't work my 2nd job for 2 reasons. I can't travel leaving Mylin behind for 2-4 days at a time, and my body honestly can't handle it. That shoots out any extra income. I've noticed I can't work long days like I previously could. I come home absolutely nauseous and my muscles spasim. It's scary to think of the possibility of bed rest. I don't even really want to consider it an option. Literally without me working we could pay for groceries and maybe the electric bill. That's it. No home. No gas. No car. Not much of anything. The other scary thing is recovery time. Twins come with a 60% chance of c-section which at least doubles your recovery time. That means a longer no pay maternity leave. The hair business is also really terrible for maternity leave, because the longer you are gone the more clients are acclimated to try someone else... and maybe not come back. Which means less money when you do return.
In the last 6 months I have had at least 6 clients move out of state. I have noticed a dramatic decrease in pay and an increased struggle in getting things paid. I try to tell myself we're not that bad off, and push help off to the side. I'm a prideful person. I've been 100% living on my own since 19. The honest truth is we have $12 in our only saving account. We're definitely not well off. We will need help.
The only thing that has helped me from not worrying myself absolutely nutty, is my faith in God. I know that God wants us to have the twins. They are his plan for us. I know that he wants us to prosper, so he will provide.
At Christmas, my in-laws were so loving and blessed us with a gift that was so touching and so very helpful to us.
Tonight I was blessed with an email from a gal in one of my Mom's groups. This woman who has met me less than a handful of times says God has laid my family and I on her heart. She said that when she heard part of my story it stuck with her. She is going to be starting a diaper drive in March to help provide for our babies. Also, along with a friend, she is getting us a gift certificate for 12 pre-made meals. The email brought tears to my eyes.
God loves us so much that he moves people who barely know us to do great things. It's so amazing. What a wonderful reminder of his presence, his truthfulness to his word, and his love.
Spring will be tough I am sure, but as I always say, "There isn't one thing worth while in life that comes easily, or we'd never know it was worth while." These twins are going to be such an amazing blessing to Daniel, Mylin and I's lives. We are already so very in love!! Our God is a loving God, and He will be with us every step of the way <3
When we finally arrived at the ER they did some blood work and had me go for an internal ultrasound. Walking into the ultrasound room, the tech didn't see me with the Dr. and said jokingly "So where's my bleeder?" I ignored her, but was shocked by her lack of empathy. Once she began the ultrasound we saw my little Sprout. His heart was still beating.... a very low heartrate... but still beating. I believe it was 87 or something. They took me back to my room and I waited over an hour for my lab results. My HCG levels were low, but they couldn't confirm it was a miscarriage. I was ordered to bedrest and told it was a "threatened miscarriage." They gave me paper work on exactly what miscarriage or spontaneous abortion is, and told me they couldn't guarantee either way. In the midst of being discharged I had an urge to rush the bathroom. I knew after that incident that I would lose the baby.
I did. I lost the baby at a Casey's General Store somewhere between Galesburg and Macomb. I saw Sprout. He was tinee tiny. I lost it. I hadn't cried that hard in a very very long time. I tried to make light of the situation. I joked with Daniel and my brother that the clerk must have thought " Holy crap don't give that PMS crazy woman a gun." Since I had gone in, bought pads, went to the restroom, and left a tearful blubbering mess. Daniel tried to hold it together for me.... but I saw the pain and sadness in his eyes.
The weeks that followed were rollercoasters. One week I'd be fine. The next I'd find myself sad, jealous, or angry at the site of a pregnant woman. I wanted that baby so bad.
People don't talk about miscarriages. It's weird. 1/4 of reported pregnancies end up in miscarriage... which means that the actual amount is probably even higher.
It's a very real thing, painful both physically and emotionally.
Needless to say after that Daniel and I both wanted a baby so bad.
We were lucky and everything happened on it's own without medical assistance. This meant my body would heal much faster and we could start trying as soon as my cycle returned. Luckily for us this was only a month post-miscarriage.
I prayed; we prayed. Our hearts were broken, and we wanted another child so badly.
Once we were free to become pregnant again, I tried my hardest not to get my hopes up. I'd be lying, though, if I told you didn't start taking pregnancy tests the minute it's remotely possible for an early detection test to work properly. That would be at 6 days pre-menstrual cycle (for you fancy pants) or 6 day pre-period, if you will. I kept getting negatives, but questioned them. I felt different... something was off. I knew that at the ultrasound with Sprout they had told me I had a cyst on my ovary, but that after having the baby it would most likely go away. That made me wonder if this is what was making me feel off, but I wasn't convinced. I took another early detection test and again negative. Finally my period was late. I waited until it was 2 days late. Tested again. Again, I got a negative. The morning it was 4 days late, another negative! Daniel told me I needed to just stop thinking about it, and that maybe my stress was causing things to get off whack. All emotional I replied with "Easy for you to say. You go to work and feel normal. You don't have to think about it. I go to work and feel crampy and emotional. I try to ignore it, but then my boobs start to randomly feel like they're going to rocket off into space. It's un-ignorable!" The emotional upheaval of that information did make me ponder my pregnancy chances once again. My poor phone had been flooded for 2 weeks straight with google searches pertaining to anything from early pregnancy symptoms, what to expect for the 2nd cycle post-miscarriage, breast explosions (exaggeration obviously), and ovary cysts. My final throw-me-over -the-edge/this isn't right situation was crying during The Jersey Shore.... Ok! I am usually embarrassed to say I watch the stupid show let alone say I cried during an episode! Oh my gosh seriously something isn't right!!! When we went to bed that night, I just lie there awake. I absolutely knew something wasn't right. I googled some more until I couldn't handle it.... I took another test. And there after 10:30pm on the night of my 4th day of missed minsies was the slightest positive!!!!
We're pregnant!!!!!!!
Finally I could trust my gut. All my suspicions were right. There was a baby in there.
The week after finding out we were leaving for California. We would be gone a week. This meant by the time I came back I would be around 6 1/2 weeks preggo. Usually I would see my doctor at 6 weeks, but I knew she did the first ultrasound at 8 weeks. I held off till 8 weeks for the first doctors appointment for this pregnancy. We couldn't wait! That appointment was something we kept talking about.
The morning of the 8 week appointment we dropped Mylin off with friends so that we could go together. I remember sitting in the passenger side day dreaming of our baby. I even thought to myself oh man I remember when we first go this SUV. It seemed so big! Now with all of Mylin's stuff it had gotten so small and I knew we'd be pretty cramped with the new baby. The thought of what it'd be like to have twins and how totally screwed we'd be in the car department crossed my mind. (Since we only wanted 2 and then Daniel would be getting the ol' sniper-oo, twins would be the only chance of having 3.) I then laughed it off realizing how absolutely ridiculous that thought of twins was. The odds after all are so low. It was a funny thought though.
Daniel and I were so nervous and excited. Once we arrived at the dr's office we were taken directly to the ultrasound room. After having me give a urine specimen and checking my blood pressure and weight, finally the ultrasound tech came into the room. As she started the ultrasound my eyes caught something. There appeared to be 2 sacs. She hadn't said a peep, so I wondered if perhaps the other was not a sac. Maybe it was some medical not great thing, like a cyst. Then as she took a closer look the sentence "Ught Ohhhh." drops from her mouth. I knew as soon as I heard it that those 2 sacs were 2 babies!!!! Poor Daniel. His mind automatically went the other direction. He asked "What's wrong!?" and "Is our baby ok?!" The tech respondes with "You're having twins." Daniel totally thought she was joking. He wouldn't believe her. I told him she was truthful and that I saw it before she said anything. He asked again "Are you serious?" She replied with, "Better you than me." As he realized she was telling the truth all he could do was sweat. We were in utter shock. Over joyed, nerve wracked shock! I left the dr's office laughing all the way out! It was all I could do! This was beyond our imagination.
It's just so crazy to me that God is giving us not one but TWO babies! We feel so utterly blessed! They were loved before they were even conceived. How amazing!!!!!
So here we are. I am just over 5 months pregnant. WITH 2 GIRLS! Lord have mercy on poor Daniel. The proud Papa of soon to be 3 daughters!!!! We are so over joyed.... but also nervous. Not for the twin part. (Although, we know that doesn't come without it's challenges.) Mostly for the financial aspect. I am our main financial provider. Daniel is a full-time student, part-time stay at home dad, and part-time Starbucks shift supervisor. I am so proud of him and how hard is working to ensure our family a better future. That being said... I'd say roughly about 80% of our income comes from me. I am self-employed. This means no benefits, including maternity leave.
With Mylin I worked my butt off. As soon as I heard I was pregnant I started working my 2nd job like crazy! I worked 7 days a week until the end of my 8th month of pregnancy. I then worked 5 days a week until I had her. I also returned to work full-time the day she turned 3 weeks old!
The twins are different story. I am automatically a high-risk pregnancy. This means more caution. I can't work my 2nd job for 2 reasons. I can't travel leaving Mylin behind for 2-4 days at a time, and my body honestly can't handle it. That shoots out any extra income. I've noticed I can't work long days like I previously could. I come home absolutely nauseous and my muscles spasim. It's scary to think of the possibility of bed rest. I don't even really want to consider it an option. Literally without me working we could pay for groceries and maybe the electric bill. That's it. No home. No gas. No car. Not much of anything. The other scary thing is recovery time. Twins come with a 60% chance of c-section which at least doubles your recovery time. That means a longer no pay maternity leave. The hair business is also really terrible for maternity leave, because the longer you are gone the more clients are acclimated to try someone else... and maybe not come back. Which means less money when you do return.
In the last 6 months I have had at least 6 clients move out of state. I have noticed a dramatic decrease in pay and an increased struggle in getting things paid. I try to tell myself we're not that bad off, and push help off to the side. I'm a prideful person. I've been 100% living on my own since 19. The honest truth is we have $12 in our only saving account. We're definitely not well off. We will need help.
The only thing that has helped me from not worrying myself absolutely nutty, is my faith in God. I know that God wants us to have the twins. They are his plan for us. I know that he wants us to prosper, so he will provide.
At Christmas, my in-laws were so loving and blessed us with a gift that was so touching and so very helpful to us.
Tonight I was blessed with an email from a gal in one of my Mom's groups. This woman who has met me less than a handful of times says God has laid my family and I on her heart. She said that when she heard part of my story it stuck with her. She is going to be starting a diaper drive in March to help provide for our babies. Also, along with a friend, she is getting us a gift certificate for 12 pre-made meals. The email brought tears to my eyes.
God loves us so much that he moves people who barely know us to do great things. It's so amazing. What a wonderful reminder of his presence, his truthfulness to his word, and his love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)