A Broken Heart From A Broken Start

Most children start out their childhood learning to pretend through activities like playing house, playing with dolls, building blocks, and other sorts of.... well play.  We did that in my house too, but we were forced to pretend every day in our real lives. We were forced to pretend everything was ok, that friends couldn't come over because we were busy/had plans, that we wanted to wear pants by choice not because of our mother's hand prints on our legs, and that repair men couldn't come inside because there was a ferocious dog inside.

In the last couple of years I've posted a lot about my past and how it continues to effect me.  I am definitely done pretending.  I wish I could be as done with my mom as I am with the pretending.

I cut my mom out of my life 3 1/2 months ago.  No contact.  Many people have told me they have no clue how I waited so long.  It's a VERY unhealthy relationship.  The last few months have been so much less stressful, but I always hope hope hope that my mom will change.  I had heard from my sister that my mom was saying she was just waiting for this whole thing to blow over and for me to let it go and us all to be closer than ever.  This was a pretty big indicator to me that nothing had changed and my point hadn't even slightly been taken.  Yet, today my dad comes over and I was tempted to spend time with my mom.  Pity was getting it's ugly grasps on me... well that and the dreamer in me hoping that perhaps by chance not getting any contact with her granddaughter in 3 1/2 months would spark the tiniest glimmer of change.  My dad tried to give me this whole schpeel  about how my mom is working on it yadda yadda.  Then I saw her when I walked him to the car.

I simply asked her if she was working on provable changes that could help mend our relationship.  She began lying (which you can always tell).  She said she's talking to someone who she can't disclose because I don't tell her who I'm talking to. I replied with my counselor's name, work place, and the fact that I know she rents her office like I do my booth at the salon.  I told her she now knew all about my counselor so she could share about hers.  Then she just started reverting to things in the past that are so irrelevant it's unbelievable.  I tried to explain to her one more time the severity of her inactions, and the consequences that come with it.  This spiraled into a whole mess of her talking in circles then off the wall out of nowhere things.  Her closing statement was "and I was there for you this summer when your mother-in-law almost let Mylin get hit at Cornerstone." I flipped!  This has been talked about, and it was a complete misunderstanding. Daniel was actually watching Mylin and just assumed his mom was watching her... anyways not even the point at all. (AND my mom actually tried to purposely run over my sister with a mini van before.)  Needless to say here I am once again a worked up preggo, with no remorse from my "mother."  I just have to come to terms with the fact that cutting someone out of your life does not make you a bad person.  I can wish, pray, and hope all I want but if she's not going to change she's not going to change.  Coming to grips with that breaks my heart. It really does.  I just need to cut that tie forever and ever and ever. PERIOD.  Family who don't agree can get over it.  Thank God my sisters and husband are behind me on this.

The part that makes me the saddest... is that after 28 years, I've never been a good enough reason to her for her to try to change... but I though maybe her grandkids would be.  

If they were ever to read this I'd tell them that I know their grandma loves them and that they are important to her.  I believe deep down I am important to her as well, but she is too sick to understand what it entails to show those things.

Mental illness is such a painful thing for everyone involved, not just the sick person.