November is a reminder to ALWAYS be thankful.

     Today is November 1st. The day we begin to put away Halloween decor while attempting to keep our sugar covered mitts out of  the kiddos' candy buckets placed just high enough we can reach them. This is first day many deem "ok" to start looking ahead to the holiday season. If you're like me and you attempt to give Thanksgiving it's rightful time and thought (rather than skipping right to Christmas, although the Friday after Thanksgiving it's game on!), it's your time to really reflect on what you are thankful for.  I love that. I mean we have been told our entire lives to "Just be thankful for what you have."  I think that saying should be so much more than a way for a parent to quickly get a kid to can it.  How many of us actually stop and take a minute to actually do that, be thankful for what we already have. I mean outside of the Thanksgiving season?

     In Chicago I belonged to this really supportive mom's group. As a whole, we were full of life experiences, intense journeys, knowledge, love, compassion, and a true need for one another in our lives.  One of the gals who I really respected always spoke of this book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.  I mean it came up MANY times. Any one who knows me knows, I am not a reader. It's just not what I enjoy. I would rather, hike, bike, swim, do nature stuff in general. Well after hearing about this book so many times, I thought it was time I give it a whirl. Now this book is not an easy read. I mean sometimes the sadness is so so sad, and sometimes the words are wild.  That being said, it's great. The idea of it amazing.  The author challenges you to keep a journal daily of things you are thankful no matter how big or how small. The more things you are thankful for, the better! It's training your brain and your heart to focus on the positive rather than the negative (which we so easily tend to gravitate towards).  Training you to see blessings in even the darkest or hardest of times. I can't say I have stuck to it.  (I am totally guilty of getting really excited about something and then not sticking to it or becoming increasingly uninterested).  I can tell you, however, that when I practiced the thankful journaling, it made me feel happier!  It really did make a difference. 

     When we moved to San Diego a year ago we were pretty broke. I mean we hadn't even begun to save for a move when we took the plunge.  We felt like we were being moved by God to relocate, like right then and there was the time we NEEDED to do it. We decided to pray and fast over the idea for a week before doing anything to further the process. After that week, we felt very much like God was saying, "Yes. This move is for you. This is what you should do."  Within a week and a half of sending out his first resume, Daniel was being flown out to San Diego for a final interview.  By 3 weeks, Daniel had 5 offers on the table, had accepted one, and had moved to San Diego.  I stayed behind with the kids for a month to tie up loose ends, pack, and work lots of over time.  The plan was once I arrived I would give myself a month before I tried to find a job, and just relax and settle in.  I have a hard time sitting still though, and was hired at a salon only a few days after our arrival.  Starting over as a stylist is HARD! I mean there is like zero money in this industry until you have spent at least a year building a clientele. AT LEAST A YEAR!  I always feel like there is a way I can be doing more, especially when it comes to my family.  One day scouring the Craigslist jobs ads, I found an ad for an experiment for stressed out parents of toddlers.  I want to say it just said they wanted you to journal and be honest. It paid like $40 and hey that's a couple of dinners, right?!  I agreed to do it, and met up with the UCSD student at a Starbucks near the salon to learn more about the experiment and what would be expected of me. It started out with lots of questions about me.  Basically they wanted a feeling of your happiness level, how you feel towards your kids, and to be sure you weren't mentally ill. I answered lots and lots of surveys online.  The questions were like, "Do you feel like your toddler does things just to spite you?", "Do you feel like your child is worse behaved than other children?", "On a scale of 1-10 how happy are you with where your life is?", "Do you think your life would be better without your kid(s)?", and many more along those lines.  Once they decided I was mentally stable enough to continue with the experiment, I was given a 3 ring binder journal.  Inside, I was to daily write things I was thankful for, or that things made me happy.  Then, at the bottom of the page I would have a scale to rate my overall happiness for that day.  Once I had done that for a full month, I again met with the student at Starbucks. She asked a series of questions and jotted down little tidbits from our conversation.  To end the experiment I was asked to again answer the exact same online surveys I began with 30 days before. Why am I telling you all of this you wonder?  The results of the experiment were awesome.  Pretty much every single one of us stressed out parents of toddlers, who actually participated correctly, rated our happiness higher AND answered ALL of the survey questions more positively after journaling our daily thankfuls for just 30 days! How wild!  Just bringing the things we have to be thankful for to mind on a daily basis can actually make us happier!  Training yourself to see the positives!

   Some of you probably saw this on Facebook already.  If not, here it goes.  I know there are all kinds of "Novemeber Thankful challenges", and all are really great. I, however, would like to challenge you to start a daily thankful journal.  You can post it on your Facebook, journal it, or whatever will help you acknowledge it. Rather than thinking through your past for things, keep track of things you are thankful today, right now, in the present, in real time.  I think you will find that even on the hardest day, when you feel like you are in the absolute thick of it, there are still things to be thankful for!  If it helps, then hey! Maybe you could even continue on past November.  Thankfulness isn't limited to just one time of year, and if you are anything like me there definitely days I need to be reminded of all the good stuff! 

     I will be attempting to add my "thankfuls" to this page each day for the month, both for myself and to give examples.  (I mean they really can be the silliest small things.). However, I find for me keeping a small notebook in my purse to jot them down seem most efficient.  

   Alright my friends, Happy November! 😘 

Contentment, Amazement, and the Winter Blues

As most of you know, I live in Chicago... and... I love saying that. My pride for my city can even be a bit sinful on  occasion. When I meet someone who says they are from Chicago as well and they name a suburb (instead of naming a neighborhood or two cross streets in which their address would actually say CHICAGO), I would totally judge them. (Poser!) The city skyline still takes my breath away even after calling this my home for 8 years and counting. It's beauty is unmatched by any city I have ever seen. *Swoon*

There is one thing that's always bothered about living here though. As a city we struggle with discontentment.

I know. Discontentment could totally be a theme for our society as a whole, but it is prevalent here. There's so much to love here, and yet most people want to leave.  It's rare to meet a friend that is content in calling this their home. I've felt that it's hard to keep close, solid, real friendships, because each person I've met has one foot out the door.  Everyone has a plan to move, it's just a matter of time. Daniel and I used to call ourselves "lifers." We were convinced Chicago would be our forever home, and we would raise our children to be well rounded individuals growing up in a diverse city.  Ironically enough, they're also one of the main reasons for our new found city discontentment.

What is it that makes us discontent? Each person's reasons are different.  I can't speak for everyone, so I will share with you the issues feeding my dissatisfaction.  Many of the people that live on the north side are transplants. We didn't grow up here, and any roots we have are ones we have created ourselves.  That's all well and fine when we are living single or in a relationship without kids. After all how much do you really see your family when you're working hard, and filling up your free time with all the activities the city has to offer. Now throw in a few kiddos. Here's what has our panties in a twist.

*Family. Once you have kids yourself, it reminds you how much you loved/longed for that special time with grandparents, aunts, and/or uncles. Daniel and I both had a set of grandparents that kept us on weekends pretty often. Offering a break to both the parents and the kids. We want our children to have those memories of staying the weekend with grandma and grandpa (and quite honestly we wouldn't mind having a few memories of the date nights we had while the kiddos were at the grandparents. More on that in a bit.)  On Saturday night  I found myself getting so jealous as I scrolled my Facebook feed from my couch, reading status after status about my friends being out because the kids were with the grandparents.  Without those family members here, it means to have a date night we are paying someone hourly to be here in addition to the money spent on the date.  Forget overnight getaways, those are out of the question. There's a special bond between grandparents and grandchildren, and also a lot to be learned. It's great to have another set of adults around for your children to look up to.  I would love to be close enough to have family dinners, and meet up whenever we wanted.

*Housing.  It's pretty dang rare to meet someone my age that owns, and if they do it's just a condo. I've never wanted a house. Yuck! Who wants to clean all that space? If I did we would pretty much be screwed. We would never be able to afford to have an entire house in any desirable neighborhood here. We aren't in a position where we could even buy a condo any time soon, so that's out of the question. The hard part about that  being things most people take for granted in their homes are something of a dream for us in the city.  Having a dishwasher, in-unit laundry, and God willing a parking spot would be nothing short of a dream place.
For the first two years of Mylin's life ( and the first 5 months of the twins) we lived in a 4th floor walk-up apartment. If we needed to do laundry we had to walk down all those stairs, go outside, and go down another flight of stairs into a basement. As a family of 5 we create 2-3 loads of laundry per day, and it's impossible to make that trek everyday.  Even now in our new place, I have to go outside and down another small staircase, which isn't bad distance wise. The hard part is finding a time to do it when the kiddos aren't going to be able to destroy the house or themselves while I sneak out to wash clothes.  The laundry thing was the biggest of our discontentment until last summer.
Many of you read about our issues with our downstairs neighbor.  We got complaints like, "I hear the baby crying.", "The kid walks too loud.", "You need to only let them play with their toys at the back of the house (the kitchen)."  (Keep in mind, besides middle of the night feedings for the babies my kids are in bed from 7:30am-7:30pm, and if it's nice out we are at the park the majority of the day.) Basically were being asked to not live in our own home. I was constantly telling Mylin not to run or jump in the house, and had such anxiety over the whole issue. We weren't just letting this kids run wild, we were just living life in our apartment.  Yet, that was enough to get  harassed by our neighbor, and eventually our landlord. We aren't the only ones either.  Most families I have met have had complaints (wether over the phone, in person, or via passive aggressive notes on the doors) about their kids, and even been asked to leave by the landlord. I  know a gal whose neighbor went so crazy about the noise of her toddler that he began to vandalize their property badly, (leaving just enough remnants behind that they knew it was him, but not enough for the law to come into play) and made them fear for their safety.  My family now resides in a basement apartment in attempt to resolve the issue of unhappy neighbors.
As of now we have great neighbors, but again because it's an apartment building in a few months our neighbors could change. This is a huge point of anxiety for me.  It drives me crazy that someone could just move in and suddenly it isn't ok for us to live here.  There's also a chance we won't be ok with them. At the last place we had girls downstairs that smoked so much weed that they would smoke out our entire apartment, and the nursery in particular. After confronting them in person multiple times, and not having any change, we contacted the authorities.  They were pretty sure they were dealing with the amount they had, yet only gave them a warning.  The landlord did nothing, and the cops wouldn't come again.  We were paying $1,100 a month for a place that our kids were breathing in 2nd hand illegal smoke.  It costs too much to live here to be dealing with that.
The price of housing is insane, and ever since the crash of the housing market rents have skyrocketed even more! Our neighborhood's rents have went up $400-$800 extra per month in the last 4 years.  Which lead us scrambling to find a place that we could afford to live in.

*Weather. Chicago has long been known for its unpredictable weather. It's not uncommon to see a 60 degree weather change in a 24 hour period, to see sunshine, snow, rain, sleet, ice, and warmth in a single day. We're known for our amazing summers and horrific winters, yet even that's not a given. Anyone remember the year that it barely got above the mid 70's all summer? We all felt like we were robbed of the summer we deserve to have after our 6 month long winters. Summer could be super rainy full of floods, tornadoes, and thunderstorms, all reason we can't be outside.  Fall can be gloomy, rainy, and cold, or sunny and crisp. Winter, ohhhh winter we shudder at the thought of you, but this year... seriously?? This is a whole other level! 3 polar vortexes?! I am going stir crazy enough on my own, remember I live in a frigg'n basement now?!  I can't even take my kids to the park, or on a nice long walk. We have literally been trapped indoors since the beginning of December. We're all going crazy. Our frosted barred windows only giving a glimpse of wether it's sunny or overcast, not a detail more of the outdoors can be seen.   We can be found giving ourselves pep talks about making it until spring. Yet, March is only a few days away and we'll be lucky if amongst the inches and inches of snow fall predicted we somehow hit the double digits in degrees.  My kids beg to go outdoors.  Even the twins run to get their boots and jackets crying to play outside.  Lakyn at only 21 months old says " I wanna go to Fwoyida (Florida)." almost every day.  Mylin reminds me constantly that in Florida and California where her grammy is she could be outside and it wouldn't be cold.  "They have the warm beach, Mama."  I haven't had such winter blues in a long time.  Even when I did it didn't start till closer to Spring, when winter had already beatten me down for months. This year it's been rough since the beginning of January. With the extended forecast looking very grim, it leaves much to be desired.

*Parking.  It's not an uncommon event to find my van parked blocks away from where I live. After driving laps around my place and still not finding any parking I find myself parked in far from desirable spot hauling as many grocery bags as I can in one trip. (The only good thing about this Polar Vortex is if I don't feel like going back for a 2nd trip, the van can serve as a temporary freezer to my perishable items. Ha!) I've seriously carried so much at once that my wrist ached for days.  Since parking is so hard to come by, you find cars squeezing themselves into tiny spots, leaving your car's bumper and sides scraped, scratched, dinged and dented. Let's hope you didn't park in school zone, rush hour zone, street cleaning zone, snow zone, permit zone, loading zone, temporarily restricted zone, or meter zone. You'll be looking at upwards of a $50 fine on any of those. If you don't pay that within 30 days, it doubles to $100. In case the annoyance of the parking fiasco in itself isn't bad enough for you, now if you need to take the littles anywhere you have to walk them the 2 blocks down to where you parked (which is extra fun on the un-shoveled sidewalks). Then don't forget to take their jackets off (in this freezing cold) to put them in their carseats, only to put them back on before you leave the car again.

*Schools. Getting your kid into a great elementary or high school here is equivalent to most people's college struggles. If you don't live in a great district you're stuck applying to other schools, being put in a lottery, and even forking a bill for pricey privatized schooling. Of course, the rents in the good school zones are pricey and hard to come by, so if you're not already in a good school district... good luck!

*Stress. We're all so busy busy in a hurry from one spot to another. Traffic has taken my anxiety to whole other level. Even when I have no reason to be hurrying I still feel like it's a race to get wherever I'm going.  There's always some political scandal going on.  How many more budget cuts can our schools handle? How many more ways can they find to ticket me? The red-light cameras were one thing, but now they speed cameras!! I've never even seen a speed limit sign in the city outside of a school zone.

At this point you may be agreeing with my discontentment. Why am I still here?! However, the city  does have a lot of desirable qualities, and recently we've obtained many of the things we'd been praying for.


You want it? We've got it. This city has so much to offer (besides an intense slab of political corruption and a triple dose of the Polar Vortex). Even as a visitor you can't deny the attractions, the food, and the people have you wanting to come back for more. Since moving here I have been introduced to so many things that I had missed out on before.

Before making Chicago my home I was a very American cuisine kind of gal. Give me burgers, some "Americanized Chinese" food, spaghetti, or a burrito and I was good.  Thai food? What's that! My palate has totally changed, and it has been great. It's so much fun to get a group together and try something brand new. There's an authentic independently owned establishment for just about anything that tickles your taste buds. I've been to a  science like ice-cream shop where they make your ice-cream in front of you using nitrous oxide which creates this really awesome "smoke" throughout the room. I could recommend a handful of out of this world brunch places.  I've been with friends to have Ethiopian, Thai, African, Peruvian, and Middle Eastern food just to name a few. There are amazing bakeries, and donut shops. Don't even get me started on the local coffee scene... mmmm!!! (Heavennnn!) Wine bar? Yes, PLEASE!

Everything is in walking distance! When it's nice out it's not unusual for me to walk at least 6 miles in a day. I take the kids to the park, and stop at a coffee shop. We ride the train to a water park, and get groceries on our walk home. If I can't directly walk somewhere, I can hop on and off a train and be there within minutes. I couldn't imagine living a life that required me to use my car for everything. I only use my car to get groceries, beauty supplies, or leave the city.

There is so much culture here. I already talked about the food, so I won't go there. I can honestly say that living here has made me less of a judgmental person (unless you aren't an aggressive driver, then I've probably flipped you off and made the quick judgment that you're a tourist, yelling it out the window to be sure you know. Ha Sorry about that.)  I love that my kids get to experience so many different types of people. I love that there are so many people that everyone has someone they can relate to. Any dance, language, art, or event you can think of is taught/held here.  If I see something on tv or read about it online and am interested, chances are if I Google it I can find it. I can find it right here in my very own city.

Daniel and I both have great jobs. After over 3 years of school, almost 9 months of applications, and a few times of feeling like it was all a lost cause, Daniel found a great job in the field he wanted to get into. He has great benefits for our family, and doesn't have to commute to the suburbs. It's exactly what we had been praying for.  I work for myself, and it works so well with our family.  I can work around any doctors appointments and school functions. The flexibility I have is something I don't take for granted. I have a great clientele, many of whom have been with me for the entire 8 years.

Our apartment is a great fit for our family. We're in the bottom floor so we can't bother anyone. It's much bigger, so even as a 2 bedroom it fits our family of 5 wonderfully. It's literally across the street from a great school that the kids can attend until 8th grade!! The train is only a few blocks away.  We can walk to the beach in about 15 minutes.  Our back door opens up to a reverse courtyard that is paved, so the kids can ride bikes and scooters back there. Starbucks is only a 3 minute walk, and Chava a wonderful independently owned Intelligentsia  serving cafe is only about a 6 minute walk. There's a craft beer restaurant up the street, and Rick Bayless's sue chef owns an awesome BYOB joint called Mixteco a block and 1/2 down.

We may not have family here, but we finally have great friends. I feel like making friends once you're out of school is so hard, especially those close family type friends. We have been so blessed by these people. It took years of living here before we felt like we had people we could truly call friends. I spent lots of nights alone wishing for some gals to go out for drinks or dinner with.  Daniel used to long for the friendships he had back home, even though he knew most of them had moved on to other places as well. Now he has some really great friends.

I know we are lucky for what we have. God has definitely blessed us. It's crazy to me that now when we have all the things we felt we needed (besides in unit laundry haha) that we are so discontent. It is beyond a doubt that it is hard to raise children in a city, and that it's even harder to raise them without family. I can't say which is the right answer for us. Should we stay or should we go? Knowing there's a place where not only is it like summer year around, but we also have grandparents whose hearts are aching to be involved the way we would love them to be, is so hard! It's easy to see it all through rose colored glasses and think that if we move we'll be running in the sun,  have help with our kids,  and everything will be sunshine and beaches. I know however, starting over for me means working more for less money. It takes years to build a good clientele in the hair industry. Most likely I'll be spending less time at home with my kids while building my new clientele. We'll have to live the pain of finding friends, a church,  and a place where we belong all over again.  Daniel would have to find a job. What if he didn't like it as much or his co-workers weren't as cool.  What if the area we live in sucks, and we have to drive everywhere.  There's so many "what if's" that plague my mind, but for now I know I need to calm my mind. I need to live in contentment until we decide a change is a sure thing. I need to give thanks for the many things I have.  Let's just pray together that spring is on it's way, and this feeling of entrapment will be a thing of the past!

Twinning! Duhhhh! (It's a rough day in the neighborhood.)

As I sit here with a sick sleeping baby strapped to me, one peering at me from her swing longing to be held, and my hurricane of a 2 year old in bed it's all I can do to hold back the tears.

Today has been rough. It's one of those days when the only thing that keeps you going is a reminder of how much you love the days that aren't like this, and above all how much you love those 3 little crazies.

Mylin woke up in full on destruct-o mode. A role of toilet paper completely unraveled on the floor, all toy bins emptied from the girls' room sprawling through the hallway and into the living room, an un-willingness to pick even a single piece of it up, and last but not least utter refusal to accept a consequence of being sent to her room or to time out. Completing her refusal with total meltdown, fall to the floor, out of her mind screaming. Obviously an out of this world great time for all involved.

The Academy Award for most Best Dramatic Sequence in a Domestic setting goes to... Mylin Schaaff!!!!!!

Just incase that wasn't enough, I have a sick infant.  Yeah, the one who was up screaming for hours on end the last few nights in a row and screamed for an hour without stop until I lulled her to sleep in this baby pack.  Who, as I am trying to speedily make everyone public appropriate, throws up on herself, and I, three times.  Two of those times being total outfit massacres. I'm really not sure why I try to make the twins match or coordinate, it always means some sort of pre-excursion outfit elimination via some sort of bodily function or disfunction if you will.

Did I mention I was trying to make it to my Mom's group by 9am?

Ok. It's still do-able, even though at this point I'm feeling like this entire day may be a wash, and perhaps my best bet would be to stay home and do as much self loathing as I can get in between children insainty.  The twins are in regurgitation-free clothing, in their carseats, and it's only 8:30am.  I also have my Mom's Group duties of the name tags and sign in sheets edited, printed out, and put in the diaper bag. (Which I did before any of the mini-monsters arose from their toy engulfed baby cave, bright and early this morning.)   Now to just get Mylin and I around. HA-HA-HA. Why would I think this was even a possibility.  My naked out of her mind toddler refuses to be clothed or act unlike something that has escaped the Lincoln Park Zoo. She doesn't want clothes on, she doesn't want her hair brushed, she doesn't want me, she doesn't want anything that has to do with me getting out the freaking door. GAH! Then the babies start crying. Oh you know, because they've been in their carseats for 45 minutes and their sister still can't handle life enough to even get a brush through her naturally dread locked wild hair!

9:30am we FINALLY make it out the door.  Once I get all 3 safely across the road, holding Mylin's hand with one and 2, that's right TWO carseats in the other (the things you can do with twin mom strength), and all three buckled into the car I whip an illegal U-turn. This Mama isn't going anywhere on a day like today un-caffeinated. Thank God for the angel that I call my huzbee. He had text me earlier about coffee, so I pull up to his Starbucks, shoot him a "I'm here text," and a comforting smile, kiss, and best of all Pumpkin Spice Latte are at my window within a minute.

We did make it to my group. Only an hour late and holding back many tears, but it was nice to go. There is nothing like the reassurance of another mother. Knowing that you aren't the only one that's wanted to send your toddler elsewhere on a plane to say it nicely (don't get me wrong I love her with all my heart and all that I am) and that in feeling so you're not terrible. My Mom group ladies are amazing. Truly. I felt better, for the moment.

Why I thought today would be my day to try my luck at asking the ONLY person I've ever asked who is not a friend or family member about sitting for us, I'm still not quite sure. I should have known nothing positive was yet to come from this day.  Needless to say I did ask, and was not ready for the response.  "No. Noooo. You'd want me to watch a very VERY energetic toddler and two 6 month old twins. That's toooooo much. That's way to much for one person." I tried to shut it down quickly with "Ok. No problem. I thought it wouldn't hurt to try." I was choking back tears at this point, hard. She couldn't stop, though.  "That's just too much for one person. Where's she (Mylin) running in the kitchen? That's too much for one person. How do you even do it? That's just a lot to handle."

OK LADY! I F'n get it! Please, if you feel this way just say "No." and leave it there. I didn't need a long monologue about how horrific my situation is. I felt as though she just confirmed to me everything I've thought to be true. People can't handle it. People can't handle twin situation. It's impossible for us to go anywhere that is sans-chittlens. We don't even want to go out all the time. I just wanted to go to my friend's baby shower and to our friends' wedding 2 weeks later.  That's it. You know, they say it takes a village to raise a child. If that's the truth I can't tell you what it takes to raise twins. Studies show twins come with a greater emotional, physical, and financial stress. Divorce rate is MUCH higher in parents of multiples.  Every book, class, website, anything I've seen/heard about twins stresses how not only important, but also how absolutely necessary alone time and couple alone time is for parents of multiples. Yet, how the hell can you get that when people loose their damn minds about the simple thought of watching twins, let alone a wild toddler added into the mix.  I have this picture in my mind of this old broad in Michigan who after us confirming, "Yes they're twins." she walked away crazily shaking her gullet to the point I was afraid it was either going to fly off and hit someone in the face or she was going to give herself a concussion saying "No way. Twins! I wouldn't. There's no way. Never. Ugh uh!"  Riggghhhtttt old bag, because obviously everyone with twins chooses it for themselves.  Lik if she found out she was having twins she'd be like "Nope sorry that's unacceptable. Won't do it."  Obviously, we wouldn't change it for the world, but seriously get a grip on reality. These are our kids.  They arrived in the order and number that God chose for us. Period.


I realize that there are a lot of things that come along with being a mom of multiples. There truly are few people who can do what you do, and even fewer who could do it everyday. No one can completely understand your situation, unless they themselves have multiples.  Which makes it extremely hard to ever make it out of the house to a childless function. This lead me to the best part of my hard day.

I made up a new word. YES. I made it up and it brought a smile to my face.   :0) I am hereby declaring this is my trademark word, so don't even try to take it. Hahaha If you are not a parent of multiples, I promise this is all in good fun. I hope you are, therefore, not offended by my humor.

Twintimidation:
Twintimidate:

The act of being intimidated by the actions, care taking, or general overal being that is twins.

OR

The act of being intimidated by the abilities of a twin mom to care for, nurture, entertain, carry, birth, or any action for more than one child of the exact same age at the exact same time. Particularly of the newborn to toddler state. This can especially be shown with a quick rebuttal in which a parent of singleton variety attempts to one up or equally compare their experience with their one child.

i.e. " I know EXACTLY how you feel. It was like I was carrying twins, because I had a 10lb baby." (So you also had 4 arms, 4 legs, 2 placentas, 2 sets of amniotic fluid, and nearly 40 inches of baby inside you.)
   "It's like I had twins because they were so close in age." (Don't get me wrong newborn plus any other child is no walk in the park and especially close in age. BUT we literally have to choose which baby to pick up and console when both are crying.  Especially when they are to young to support their head and it is damn near impossible to pick up both at once. At my daughters' 1 month appointment I had to have a nurse console one of them after shots. I felt terrible that I could not hold and coddle both of my crying in pain newborns. It broke my heart. This is one example of a million I could give.)
    "The baby eats so much and wakes up so much during the night it's like breastfeeding twins."  (Well all babies wake up during the night and unless you are practically strapped to a couch that they call a "twin nursing pillow" with 2 babies hooked to your bobbs, No. No, it isn't at all like breastfeeding twins.)

Again I support all mamas. No I don't think I have it sooooo much worse than everyone else. That last bit was for my own little humor and I hope no one is hurt by it. Being a Mama is the most amazing job in the world. It is also the hardest. You are shaping another human being's life, wether it's 1 or 8 at a time. It's no walk in the park, not even a literal walk in the park is a walk in the park.  We all know how long it takes and how much effort is involved just to get the kiddo(s) in the stroller to take that walk, so singleton Mamas, twin Mamas, Mamas of more babies than there are hands, you are all amazing and wonderful.

Playing Tourist

Every once in a while we have fun spending the day doing what everyone who ever visits this beautiful city does. Playing tourist for us is going to the museums, pier, water tower, aquarium, and any other combo of Chicago must have eateries.

Mylin was in an amazing mood which helped everything go seamlessly. A happy toddler is a happy day ;)

We started out by going to the Lincoln Park Zoo. I carted all 3 lil ladies there all on my lonesome. Mylin loves the train, so that is always a great way to go. It was unseasonably warm. I believe in the low 80's and totally sunny! Even the animals were in good moods, hanging out in the open, as showing off! Mylin liked it when the "mama" lion roared.

When Daniel got off work we decided to make the most of the gorgeous day and head to Navy Pier. One of my clients has just hooked me up with a 10 ride pass and this was Ye perfect day for it. Mylin had also said that for her good behavior treat she wanted popcorn. It just so happens that there is a Garrett's at the pier.

I loved watching My have so much fun. There was a light house ride he couldn't get enough of! (It's like the kiddie version of the giant drop.). She even put her hand in the air for it.

I know this isn't one of my typical super thought out blogs, but today was special to me. I want to write more memories down like this too.

A day in the life... triple insanity

Let me start this by saying, I feel absolutely blessed by the arrival of my twins. What follows this disclaimer serves two main purposes. It's my way of sharing my day with all of you, and also give Daniel and I something to look back on and laugh at in the future.  (It also reminds us why we stopped at 3. Especially given the fact we have quadruple the odds of those of you without fraternal multiples, to have multiples again.)

9pm:  I walk in the door from work.  "We need to get this show on the road!"  Mylin is finally asleep, and it's time to start the babies night time routine.  I tandem feed them. Daniel runs our old, rotting, stranger/inanimate object aggressive, blind dog out to go to the bathroom. He hurries back to help burp one of the twins and speed along the process.  This is usually the point where he starts to get a little frantic, stating "Even if I get to bed 10 minutes from now and the babies sleep through the night I'll only get 6 hours of sleep.  I then get the bathtub ready with the perfect temp water and bathe each baby separately.  Daniel grabs the first clean baby and I begin the next.  It's a well oiled machine at this point. We slather them down with lotion and butt paste before applying a fresh diaper and clean jammies.  We're praying for a good stretch of sleep tonight.  Meanwhile, there are 2 bottles warming with milk I've pumped and stored in the fridge.  We do bottles so that they have a way to take both their vitamins and their probiotics.  At this point Lakyn pretty much refuses to do the last feeding of the night unless it is from a bottle.  We each feed and burp a baby.

   10:30pm: The babies have cluster fed. (Thank God for tandem feeding!)We've bathed them and hopefully we are all ready for bed. Oh, except me of course. This is my last pumping session of the day.  It always puts me in bed at least a good 20 minutes behind everyone else by the time everything is stored and cleaned. That's if both babes agreed it was time for bed.  Tonight though Lakyn is fussing and busting out of her swaddle, which makes her cry even more. Those crazy flailing baby arms really muster up some screams!  Luckily it doesn't last more than a half hour.

1am: Mylin has awoke from a dream and is screaming "Mama!!! Mommy!!!" over and over at the top of her lungs.  Sadly, I have learned if I want her to go back to sleep or get any sleep myself, I have to ignore it.  She'll eventually put herself back to bed.  Tonight she screams for 45 minutes.

2:30am: Babies first feeding and bootie change of the new day. (It is always, without fail, Eisley who wakes up for a feeding.  We really think Lakyn would sleep through the entire night given the chance, but are too afraid to test that hypothesis.   With our luck, Lakyn would wake up hungry as soon as we fall asleep after tending to Eisley.)  I get the ginormous pillow as Daniel gets up, turns off the fan, and un-swaddles the babies (if there is anything left of the swaddle at this point, from all the fussing).  He then hands me babies as we both struggle to stay awake. Lakyn is in such a deep sleep I have to jiggle her and sometimes even wipe her face down with a cold cloth to wake her.  Once the first baby is done eating I usually have to wake Daniel, so that he can start the burping process.  Then it's bootie changes, swaddles, and back to bed.
These days we get pretty lucky and can land ourselves back in bed within a half hour.  That is, as long as both babies are easily lulled back to sleep.

4am: Daniel's Alarm goes off.  He gets ready, kisses me good-bye, and I'm on my own.

5am: Another feeding and bootie change.
This feeding usually lasts longer and I always have to stay up to pump.  I am lucky if I can hop into bed after 45min-1hour.  That is a rarity though.  Since the babies have been born Mylin has been waking during the 6 o'clock hour, rather than her normal 7:30am.

6:15am:  "Mama! I awake! Mama!!!! Come ge' me. Mommyyyyy! Mama! MAMA!!!" The little monster is awake for the day. Eye yey eye.

6:30am:  After a giving myself a pep talk and rising to my feet I finally release Mylin :)  She tells me good morning and gives me a tight squeeze.  She tells me she's peed and needs a bootie change.  Without fail, once the bootie change is done, she declares she is "hungary!"  I give her fresh berries and yogurt just in time for....

7am: Screaming babies!!! They're hungry again. Yes. Again. I set one baby on the bed, strap on my ginormous pillow, pick up the other baby, and take her to the bed.  Tandem feeding is such a time saver, but proves tricky when home alone.  In the middle of feeding the babies I hear, "Mama! I'm done!!! Want down, Mama! Down! Mama!"  I finish feeding the babies and change them.  I then clean up My, who has been eating breakfast alone at the kitchen table :(  There is yogurt all over the wall, table, and booster.  As I hear fussing babies, in need of pacifiers, I ponder when I'll get the chance to clean that up.  I put the babies in their swings,  start the mobiles, give them their pacifiers, and start a show for Mylin.

8am: I get to eat! (if I'm lucky of course)  I try to enjoy as Mylin is begging at the gate between the kitchen and living room "Mama, play toys wis me? Wanna play toys wis me?"  When that doesn't get me moving right away she begins to torture the babies; she squeezes their hands, scratches them, or pushes the swings far too fast if I don't catch her first.  "Mama I scratching the babies!"  (Oh awesome, My so glad! NOT!)  I know she will be better behaved if I get her out of the house,  and it's with this in mind I decide to prepare to take all 3 girls to the park... ALONE.  I pack up the diaper bag making sure it's properly stocked, which is quite the task in itself.  Attempting to get Mylin ready is always a good time... insert sarcasm here.  She is totally picky about everything she wears all the way down to which flip flops.  Considering we have now entered the terrible 2's this whole process is never complete without an on the floor, screaming, kicking, crying, pounding over the top fit!  The cherry on top is when she gets up to go to the mirror and see what her little drama queen face looks like as she forces tears down her face.  (This girl is an actress in the making!) I then have to get the girls changed according to the weather.

9am:  Guess what time it is!!! Oh, yeah, the twins are hungry again.  I position the 2 bouncers on either side of a blanket I have tripple folded on the floor, against the couch.  The babies are screaming and their faces are turning to the likeness of a plum.  I put each baby in a bouncer, only to have them freak out so bad they nearly slide out.  Now to find that huge pillow again!  I strap it on and sit on my folded blanket.  This is where you have to be strategic.  I grab the least fussy baby and place them on the pillow. Turning that hip towards the ceiling, I attempt to grab the fussiest baby and get her on the pillow.  (Thank God for Mother's of Multiples blogs!  If it weren't for time saving strategies like these I might go crazy!!)  Once they are eating it's a blur of talking Mylin down from climbing the entertainment center, the table, the window sill, and well just about anything a little monkey can climb.  She then states, frustrated and ready to go, "Mama, we go to park? Put baby down! We go to park!" I finish feeding the babies and change them.

9:45am:  Finally ready to head out the door.  I strategically place the twins inside the MobyWrap.  Then I fight Mylin who doesn't want to put her kiddie leash on (It's the only way I can safely get to the stroller with all 3) and OHHHH whatta ya know! Now she doesn't want to go to the park?!  Oh to be 2!  I force her to put the puppy back pack on (it's the leash) and remind her she'll love it once we are there. Finally out of our door, but more fun awaits.  We live on the "3rd" (which is really the 4th) floor of a walk up.  Mylin quickly says "Mama, I carry you!" To which I reply, "That's sweet you're going to carry me?"  She corrects herself and says "You carry me!" I remind her that with the babies in the pack that's impossible and since she is now a big girl she is perfectly capable of doing it on her own while holding the railing.  WE FINALLY MAKE IT OUTSIDE!!!!!  I put Mylin in her seat at the front of our bulldozer of a stroller and release her from the leash.  Then I carefully take the babies out of the pack and get them settled into the stroller.  The fresh air revives me and usually makes the struggle of leaving the apartment seem pretty worth it.  The first thing we do (to help me survive the remainder of the day) is head to Starbucks to see Papa. Many comments and stares about the stroller and the babes await us inside.  It's worth it though. I know what awaits me.  A venti, iced, soy, half caf, half pump, caramel macchiatto is my poison of choice! YUM!   We say "hello" to our friends (Papa's co-workers) and make jokes about my exhaustion and the happenings of the morning. Ok, let's do this!  My grabs a banana and we're off.

10:30am:  The park!!!! The smile and excitement on Mylin's face makes me so happy!  She starts bouncing in her kangaroo seat of the triple stroller as we reach the gate.  I try to get her out as soon as possible, both before she bounces the seat right onto the babes or spontaneously combusts! :) Yay! I'm semi-free!  She's a happy girl. I find a shady spot near where My is playing to park the stroller and allow the babies a nice little nap.  The recent heat wave keeps them napping a little longer, so I can run around with My a little bit.  It gives her that one on one time she's been craving.

11:30am:  A park feeding.  I find a discrete shady area and hide out with my nursing cover.  I pray both babies don't get hungry at the same time. It's definitely happened before.  Nothing like trying not to draw attention to yourself while feeding one baby beneath a nursing cover and having another one scream her little lungs out inconsolably!  There's no way to tandem feed two babies that are too young to hold their head up without that darn pillow, so one just has to scream it out.  I then have to burp and change each baby separately as well.  Being outside makes the process seem a little less overwhelming, since I too am distracted by the beautiful weather and all the action around us.  I try to distract My by bribing her with food or money for the ice-cream man while I feed the baby, to keep her close.   Before totally cleaning up I change Mylin's big ol' bootie. (I'm so over changing her gross diapers and am really trying to potty train her since at this point her diapers are the size of depends.  This has only resulted in me cleaning up poop and pee on the hard wood floors. As if I needed something else to add to my daily madness.) Then it's a packed lunch and back to park play.

12:50pm:  Wrap it up! Mylin is at this point exhausted and the babies are getting fussy for yet another feeding!  Thank God that by the time we get home, Papa will also be getting home.  He helps me unload everyone, handing me a twin for each arm and he carries My.  When we get up stairs he sets me up with the babies and the ginormo pillow, and their screaming subsides as they eat once again. Daniel or I then tuck My in for her afternoon nap.  The next few hours are a rush to do whatever needs done as the little fire-breathing toddler slumbers. Daniel takes the rotten, attention deprived dog on her only lengthy walk of the day. He dodges other dogs and people that our dog desires to snack upon all while trying to keep his shoulder and wrist in socket.  He literally never comes back from a walk unhurt by this dog. I try to quick shower. When I'm done he quickly showers in attempt to wake back up and do homework. He's a full-time student and since today is my day off, he has to get as much class work done as possible to keep up!  This leaves no break from the insanity for either of us.  It also leaves no "just us" time.  We long for the day we get either or both.

(This is the point in the day where if I had to go to work, Daniel would then take over.  When I have been at work it's been for 9 to 12 hour days, both to play catch-up from maternity leave and make money to support the fam.  This leaves Daniel alone with all 3 babies in a blur of heating bottles, feeding babies, changing babies, chasing Mylin, feeding Mylin, attempting to read an assignment, and starting the previous all over again.  This twin stuff is serious business.)

3pm: Crying... not newborn.  Mylin is awake again.  She's also re-energized.  Be ready for a tornado!  A mass of toys is brought into the living room surrounding the pre-existing baby gear. If you're claustrophobic at all, this image may be too much to handle. Now the newborn cries begin.  They're hungry once more and you have to dodge a sea of My Little Ponies and Disney Princesses to reach them.  As I once again begin to feed the babies, My begs for a Princess movie. I have an internal struggle with myself over wether I should not allow her to watch anymore tv, or to go the easy route and give in. At this point in life, I usually give in to the easy route.   I put the twins down. Mylin watches her show just as the twins begin to cry. This time it's not for any paticular reason, but they are both crying. How do you choose which baby to console and which baby to allow to cry longer until you've settled the first down? This always makes me want to cry. I want to be able to help both equally at the same time, all the time. Since they can't hold up their own heads and its impossible to hold them simultaneously when they are this upset, I'm forced to choose one. I try to decide either who I haven't held as much on this particular day or who will more quickly be pacified. I settle them down and it isn't long before they are crying again. They are hungry this time. Once they are done eating I lay them on their play matts in attempt to keep them awake for a portion of the day and warrant ourselves some extra sleep in the latter hours of the night.

5pm: What's for dinner? It's at around this time we have to start putting together what will nutritionally sustain the members of our family who have teeth. We are so thankful for Chicago Dream Dinners. The simplicity of the food is the only reason we have food on the table many nights.  As I begin to cook, Eisley is screaming.  She's farting a ton and you can tell she's in pain.  She hasn't pooped in over a week, and is totally constipated.  I ask Daniel to pause from homework to bicycle her legs and calm her. (The doctor is still undecided on exactly what is causing her constipation. Especially because it is supposed to be near impossible for strictly breast fed babies to become constipated.)

6:30pm: Dinner.  We strip My down to her diaper.  (She is a terribly messy eater and this not only saves her clothes but also ensures we don't struggle to keep food out of her hair as pull her shirt over head.) We strap her in her booster seat and serve her first.  She is usually pretty cranky at this point, so the sooner she eats the better. Daniel wraps up his last thoughts on the assignment he is attempting to work on and joins us in the kitchen.  I have both of our plates served and sitting at the table.  Daniel prays a prayer of thanks to the Lord for our beautiful family and the meal he has provided us.  Amen.  I take the first bite... and que the duet of baby screams.  Without fail, they are ALWAYS hungry when I begin to eat.  I quickly down just a few more bites to keep me from getting jittery and tend to the ladies, feeding burping, and changing them.

7:15pm: Bath time. Daniel gets Mylin in the bath.  She pretends to swim, lying on her belly in the water.  It's a fight to get her to wash her hair.  She plays with her Ariel dolls and does her best (very loud) Ariel singing voice impression. (This always makes me smile, because I used to do the same thing when I was little.)  I sneak away from the babies and finish my dinner.

7:45pm: Bed Time for My.  Mylin picks out her Princess jammies and runs out to the living room to give the babies and I our smootches.  This is the time of night that the babies begin to cluster feed, so I'll be tied down for awhile from this point on.  "Love you Mama, love you so much. Sweet dreams." It's one of those moments you wish you could bask in for awhile <3  Daniel takes her to brush her teeth before tucking her in.  Once she is in bed she milks him for every bedtime story he's worth.  "Nother book, Papa? Cat 'n Hat? Cat 'n Hat?"  Daniel promises her there will be more stories tomorrow, says a goodnight prayer, and gives her a goodnight kiss. "Night Papa nighhhttt."  She covers her eyes with her fave snuggy toy "bananas" the monkey blankie she's had since she was 4 months old.

8:30pm: Daniel states it's time to get the show on the road.  We look around at our city dump of a house feeling utterly defeated by yet another hand full of tasks added to those from the days before that we simply do NOT have the time to complete.  We're only able to bask in the terribleness of our house's triumph over us for a moment if want to go to sleep sometime tonight. If we're lucky a load of dishes is going in the dish washer and Mylin's spot at the table is clean.

9pm: Repeat previous 9pm activities. It starts all over again.


If there is one thing that every twin book, class, or parent told us, it's that you can't do it without help.  We are. Yes it's not perfect.  Our house is a nightmare, but it's the one thing that's really had to take a back seat.  Our kids are fed, bathed, and changed. Money enough to pay bills is coming in through our jobs. Daniel is still passing in all of his classes. We're doing it.

God has deeply blessed us and I wouldn't change what he has given us for anything.  I know it's because of him we make through each day.  It's because of your prayers and support we have made it to this point.  This is hard. No one said it would be easy.  I know there will be a day we look back on this and miss it in some way, shape or form.  For now we are surviving and trying to enjoy those moments we get to just hold any of our 3 ladies and love on them.  Those moments are sporadic, but oh how sweet they are.

God is good... so good!

On the last weekend of June 2011, and on our first day of vacation, I realized we were losing our baby.  I had been up all night with cramps terrible cramps.  I didn't register it then, but it was a lot like the night I went into labor with Mylin.  I was 2 months pregnant with a baby we were absolutely ecstatic about and already in love with.  When I finally got out of bed that morning to use the restroom, I realized why I felt so terribly. Very calmly I woke Daniel and asked him to drive me to the ER, explaining we were losing the baby.  My voice was so calm that he wasn't even sure of exactly what I had said and didn't move.

When we finally arrived at the ER they did some blood work and had me go for an internal ultrasound.  Walking into the ultrasound room, the tech didn't see me with the Dr. and said jokingly "So where's my bleeder?"  I ignored her, but was shocked by her lack of empathy.   Once she began the ultrasound we saw my little Sprout.  His heart was still beating.... a very low heartrate... but still beating.  I believe it was 87 or something.  They took me back to my room and I waited over an hour for my lab results.  My HCG levels were low, but they couldn't confirm it was a miscarriage.  I was ordered to bedrest and told it was a "threatened miscarriage."  They gave me paper work on exactly what miscarriage or spontaneous abortion is, and told me they couldn't guarantee either way.  In the midst of being discharged I had an urge to rush the bathroom.  I knew after that incident  that I would lose the baby.

I did.  I lost the baby at a Casey's General Store somewhere between Galesburg and Macomb.  I saw Sprout. He was tinee tiny.  I lost it.  I hadn't cried that hard in a very very long time.  I tried to make light of the situation. I joked with Daniel and my brother that the clerk must have thought " Holy crap don't give that PMS crazy woman a gun." Since I had gone in, bought pads, went to the restroom, and left a tearful blubbering mess.  Daniel tried to hold it together for me.... but I saw the pain and sadness in his eyes.

The weeks that followed were rollercoasters.  One week I'd be fine. The next I'd find myself sad, jealous, or angry at the site of a pregnant woman.  I wanted that baby so bad.

People don't talk about miscarriages.  It's weird.  1/4 of reported pregnancies end up in miscarriage... which means that the actual amount is probably even higher.

It's a very real thing, painful both physically and emotionally.

Needless to say after that Daniel and I both wanted a baby so bad.

We were lucky and everything happened on it's own without medical assistance.  This meant my body would heal much faster and we could start trying as soon as my cycle returned.  Luckily for us this was only a month post-miscarriage.

I prayed; we prayed.  Our hearts were broken, and we wanted another child so badly.

Once we were free to become pregnant again, I tried my hardest not to get my hopes up.  I'd be lying, though, if I told you didn't start taking pregnancy tests the minute it's remotely possible for an early detection test to work properly.  That would be at 6 days pre-menstrual cycle (for you fancy pants) or 6 day pre-period, if you will.  I kept getting negatives, but questioned them.  I felt different... something was off.  I knew that at the ultrasound with Sprout they had told me I had a cyst on my ovary, but that after having the baby it would most likely go away.  That made me wonder if this is what was making me feel off, but I wasn't convinced.  I took another early detection test and again negative.  Finally my period was late.  I waited until it was 2 days late.  Tested again.  Again, I got a negative.  The morning it was 4 days late, another negative!   Daniel told me I needed to just stop thinking about it, and that maybe my stress was causing things to get off whack.  All emotional I replied with "Easy for you to say.  You go to work and feel normal.  You don't have to think about it.  I go to work and feel crampy and emotional.  I try to ignore it, but then my boobs start to randomly feel like they're going to rocket off into space.  It's un-ignorable!"  The emotional upheaval of that information did make me ponder my pregnancy chances once again.  My poor phone had been flooded for 2 weeks straight with google searches pertaining to anything from early pregnancy symptoms, what to expect for the 2nd cycle post-miscarriage, breast explosions (exaggeration obviously), and ovary cysts.  My final throw-me-over -the-edge/this isn't right situation was crying during The Jersey Shore.... Ok! I am usually embarrassed to say I watch the stupid show let alone say I cried during an episode! Oh my gosh seriously something isn't right!!!  When we went to bed that night, I just lie there awake.  I absolutely knew something wasn't right.  I googled some more until I couldn't handle it.... I took another test.  And there after 10:30pm on the night of my 4th day of missed minsies was the slightest positive!!!!

We're pregnant!!!!!!!

Finally I could trust my gut.  All my suspicions were right.  There was a baby in there.

The week after finding out we were leaving for California.  We would be gone a week.   This meant by the time I came back I would be around 6 1/2 weeks preggo.  Usually I would see my doctor at 6 weeks, but I knew she did the first ultrasound at 8 weeks.  I held off till 8 weeks for the first doctors appointment for this pregnancy.  We couldn't wait!  That appointment was something we kept talking about.

The morning of the 8 week appointment we dropped Mylin off with friends so that we could go together.  I remember sitting in the passenger side day dreaming of our baby.  I even thought to myself oh man I remember when we first go this SUV.  It seemed so big!  Now with all of Mylin's stuff it had gotten so small and I knew we'd be pretty cramped with the new baby.  The thought of what it'd be like to have twins and how totally screwed we'd be in the car department crossed my mind. (Since we only wanted 2 and then Daniel would be getting the ol' sniper-oo, twins would be the only chance of having 3.)  I then laughed it off realizing how absolutely ridiculous that thought of twins was.  The odds after all are so low.  It was a funny thought though.

  Daniel and I were so nervous and excited.  Once we arrived at the dr's office we were taken directly to the ultrasound room.  After having me give a urine specimen and checking my blood pressure and weight, finally the ultrasound tech came into the room.  As she started the ultrasound my eyes caught something.  There appeared to be 2 sacs.  She hadn't said a peep, so I wondered if perhaps the other was not a sac.  Maybe it was some medical not great thing, like a cyst.  Then as she took a closer look the sentence "Ught Ohhhh." drops from her mouth.  I knew as soon as I heard it that those 2 sacs were 2 babies!!!!  Poor Daniel.  His mind automatically went the other direction. He asked "What's wrong!?" and "Is our baby ok?!"  The tech respondes with "You're having twins."  Daniel totally thought she was joking.  He wouldn't believe her.  I told him she was truthful and that I saw it before she said anything.  He asked again "Are you serious?"  She replied with, "Better you than me."  As he realized she was telling the truth all he could do was sweat.  We were in utter shock.  Over joyed, nerve wracked shock!  I left the dr's office laughing all the way out!  It was all I could do!  This was beyond our imagination.

It's just so crazy to me that God is giving us not one but TWO babies!  We feel so utterly blessed! They were loved before they were even conceived.  How amazing!!!!!

So here we are.  I am just over 5 months pregnant. WITH 2 GIRLS! Lord have mercy on poor Daniel.  The proud Papa of soon to be 3 daughters!!!!  We are so over joyed.... but also nervous. Not for the twin part.  (Although, we know that doesn't come without it's challenges.)  Mostly for the financial aspect.  I am our main financial provider.  Daniel is a full-time student, part-time stay at home dad, and part-time Starbucks shift supervisor.  I am so proud of him and how hard is working to ensure our family a better future.  That being said... I'd say roughly about 80% of our income comes from me.  I am self-employed.  This means no benefits, including maternity leave.

With Mylin I worked my butt off.  As soon as I heard I was pregnant I started working my 2nd job like crazy!  I worked 7 days a week until the end of my 8th month of pregnancy.  I then worked 5 days a week until I had her.  I also returned to work full-time the day she turned 3 weeks old!

The twins are different story.  I am automatically a high-risk pregnancy.  This means more caution.  I can't work my 2nd job for 2 reasons.  I can't travel leaving Mylin behind for 2-4 days at a time, and my body honestly can't handle it.  That shoots out any extra income.  I've noticed I can't work long days like I previously could.  I come home absolutely nauseous and my muscles spasim.  It's scary to think of the possibility of bed rest.  I don't even really want to consider it an option. Literally without me working we could pay for groceries and maybe the electric bill. That's it.  No home. No gas. No car.  Not much of anything.  The other scary thing is recovery time.  Twins come with a 60% chance of c-section which at least doubles your recovery time.  That means a longer no pay maternity leave.  The hair business is also really terrible for maternity leave, because the longer you are gone the more clients are acclimated to try someone else... and maybe not come back.  Which means less money when you do return.

In the last 6 months I have had at least 6 clients move out of state.  I have noticed a dramatic decrease in pay and an increased struggle in getting things paid.  I try to tell myself we're not that bad off, and push help off to the side.  I'm a prideful person.  I've been 100% living on my own since 19.  The honest truth is we have $12 in our only saving account.  We're definitely not well off.  We will need help.

The only thing that has helped me from not worrying myself absolutely nutty, is my faith in God.  I know that God wants us to have the twins.  They are his plan for us.  I know that he wants us to prosper, so he will provide.

At Christmas, my in-laws were so loving and blessed us with a gift that was so touching and so very helpful to us.

Tonight I was blessed with an email from a gal in one of my Mom's groups.  This woman who has met me less than a handful of times says God has laid my family and I on her heart.  She said that when she heard part of my story it stuck with her.  She is going to be starting a diaper drive in March to help provide for our babies.  Also, along with a friend, she is getting us a gift certificate for 12 pre-made meals.  The email brought tears to my eyes.

God loves us so much that he moves people who barely know us to do great things.  It's so amazing.  What a wonderful reminder of his presence, his truthfulness to his word, and his love.

Spring will be tough I am sure, but as I always say, "There isn't one thing worth while in life that comes easily, or we'd never know it was worth while."  These twins are going to be such an amazing blessing to Daniel, Mylin and I's lives.  We are already so very in love!!  Our God is a loving God, and He will be with us every step of the way <3

A Broken Heart From A Broken Start

Most children start out their childhood learning to pretend through activities like playing house, playing with dolls, building blocks, and other sorts of.... well play.  We did that in my house too, but we were forced to pretend every day in our real lives. We were forced to pretend everything was ok, that friends couldn't come over because we were busy/had plans, that we wanted to wear pants by choice not because of our mother's hand prints on our legs, and that repair men couldn't come inside because there was a ferocious dog inside.

In the last couple of years I've posted a lot about my past and how it continues to effect me.  I am definitely done pretending.  I wish I could be as done with my mom as I am with the pretending.

I cut my mom out of my life 3 1/2 months ago.  No contact.  Many people have told me they have no clue how I waited so long.  It's a VERY unhealthy relationship.  The last few months have been so much less stressful, but I always hope hope hope that my mom will change.  I had heard from my sister that my mom was saying she was just waiting for this whole thing to blow over and for me to let it go and us all to be closer than ever.  This was a pretty big indicator to me that nothing had changed and my point hadn't even slightly been taken.  Yet, today my dad comes over and I was tempted to spend time with my mom.  Pity was getting it's ugly grasps on me... well that and the dreamer in me hoping that perhaps by chance not getting any contact with her granddaughter in 3 1/2 months would spark the tiniest glimmer of change.  My dad tried to give me this whole schpeel  about how my mom is working on it yadda yadda.  Then I saw her when I walked him to the car.

I simply asked her if she was working on provable changes that could help mend our relationship.  She began lying (which you can always tell).  She said she's talking to someone who she can't disclose because I don't tell her who I'm talking to. I replied with my counselor's name, work place, and the fact that I know she rents her office like I do my booth at the salon.  I told her she now knew all about my counselor so she could share about hers.  Then she just started reverting to things in the past that are so irrelevant it's unbelievable.  I tried to explain to her one more time the severity of her inactions, and the consequences that come with it.  This spiraled into a whole mess of her talking in circles then off the wall out of nowhere things.  Her closing statement was "and I was there for you this summer when your mother-in-law almost let Mylin get hit at Cornerstone." I flipped!  This has been talked about, and it was a complete misunderstanding. Daniel was actually watching Mylin and just assumed his mom was watching her... anyways not even the point at all. (AND my mom actually tried to purposely run over my sister with a mini van before.)  Needless to say here I am once again a worked up preggo, with no remorse from my "mother."  I just have to come to terms with the fact that cutting someone out of your life does not make you a bad person.  I can wish, pray, and hope all I want but if she's not going to change she's not going to change.  Coming to grips with that breaks my heart. It really does.  I just need to cut that tie forever and ever and ever. PERIOD.  Family who don't agree can get over it.  Thank God my sisters and husband are behind me on this.

The part that makes me the saddest... is that after 28 years, I've never been a good enough reason to her for her to try to change... but I though maybe her grandkids would be.  

If they were ever to read this I'd tell them that I know their grandma loves them and that they are important to her.  I believe deep down I am important to her as well, but she is too sick to understand what it entails to show those things.

Mental illness is such a painful thing for everyone involved, not just the sick person.